Offset, 1/3 of the Three Amigos hip-hop reboot, Migos, is trying really, really hard to get estranged wife Cardi B back into his clutches. I was going to lead with a full sentence of Cardi-speak and turn all the “c“s into “b“s, but that shit got messy on the page real quick, so all I can say is, Offset was up to some shady shit with some side pieces which got him ejected from Cardi’s bed, and now he has resorted to public humiliation via Instagram to try to get her back.
In case you missed this most riveting drama since All My Children went off the air (or my favorite soap opera of all time, Santa Barbara), Offset and Cardi married a year ago and had baby Kulture five months ago. At some point in there, he got to slipping out the side door with an
exotic air freshener / dollar store douching product Instagram model named Summer Bunni and rapper Cuban Doll. Cuban Doll denied anything happened with Offset. Now Offset is realizing he made a mistake by busting up his family, and he made a video stating that he wants Cardi and Kulture back in his life in time for his birthday.
Here is Offset’s post from yesterday:
The rom-com pinnacle from Offset’s apology is “I didn’t fuck that girl, but I was entertaining it“. Awwwwww, this sentiment is the 2018 equivalent of winning your girl the largest teddy bear prize at the traveling carnival. Proof that romance is alive!
Cardi hasn’t posted anything to her Instagram for three days, so we don’t know yet if his pleas were answered. We do know that his birthday was yesterday, so they are either still rolling around in that make up sex bed, or he’s got a whole year to work on his appeal.
This Instagram video is compelling and all, but Cardi should hold out and see what other performances she can pull out of Offset by ignoring him. Until Offset records All I Want For My Bday Is You featuring Mariah Carey herself, complete with a professionally produced video inter-spliced with old (err, one year old) faux grainy home video footage of their married life together, she should definitely leave him in the hot seat. Let’s see how far these two can raise the bar in break-up/make-up antics and see if they can take the crown away from Lloyd Dobler holding that boombox over his head.