Paris Hilton has called off her engagement to her fiancé of ten months Chris Zylka, aka Tom from The Leftovers. Or as he’ll be known from here on out, aka one of Paris’ leftovers.
A source tells UsWeekly that 37-year-old Paris and 33-year-old Chris won’t be getting married after all. Paris and Chris got together almost two years ago. In January, he proposed to her with a $2 million pear-shaped diamond engagement ring during a ski vacation. Then, being the low-key and down-to-earth soul that she is, Paris reportedly hired security to make sure nobody stole her ring.
Then in August, tragedy struck. Paris and Chris had pushed back their wedding from November 2018 to May 2019 because Paris reportedly needed more time to plan. As it turned out, November wasn’t mean to be their wedding month so much as it was mean to be the month Chris officially exited stage left. What a shame. Hopefully she gave him the ring back, so he could pawn it for cash or a credit at the nearest tattoo removal clinic.
We should have known things were doomed back in August. As if Paris needed time to plan her wedding. She’s probably been ready to pull the trigger on a tacky pink narcissism-themed ho-down for at least a decade now. Paris would walk down the aisle to Stars Are Blind and stand in front of a giant eight-foot high portrait of her face made out of Swarovski crystals. Her dozens of 2-pound dogs serving as bridesmaids and groomsmen. And the only vow read would be by Paris in her fake baby hooker voice. “I Paris Hilton, take the future Mr. Paris, to be my lawfully wedding partner in red carpet appearances. Wow, that was so hard to talk about someone else.”