My Hot Tip For Hot Dudes: Keep it shut! That’s it, it really is that simple. Fewer clothes, fewerer words. You would have thought that Michael B. Jordan would have learned this lesson by now after ruining a perfectly good fantasy about me, him, Lupita and Martin Freeman (don’t you dare judge me) tied up together in a Wakandan Knot by speaking out on separate rumors that he was gay and that he and Lupita Nyong’o were dating. Now he’s making things weird again by re-addressing the rumors that he only dates white women, when all I really care about is that he’s staying hydrated and not skipping glutes day.
Mike is on the cover of GQ this month and most of the accompanying interview is about how Mike is trying to cultivate his career now that he’s a bonerfied (in the immortal words of Michael K “typo but it stays”) movie star. One aspect of that is him trying to learn when to address controversy, and when to let it go. Mike describes one such time he should have kept his pudy mouth shut but didn’t, and then proceeded to make things worse by addressing it again in the interview. It seems Mike was very bothered that people were saying he only dated white women, something he attributes to the time last summer when he was photographed on a boat in Italy surrounded by white women.
After recently being pictured on a boat with, you guessed it, all white Women, the internet read Michael B. Jordan to filth. It’s true, he doesn’t have to explain his dating preferences to us, but this is why he may feel the need to: https://t.co/5XQgK6pTK6 pic.twitter.com/P5XcbYiBM6
— MadameNoire (@MadameNoire) July 22, 2018
Now here’s a perfect example of when not to comment. He’s in Italy. One of the women was Sterling’s girlfriend. White women love boats. Let the haters hate, Mike. The only thing he should have explained was that Tommy Bahama shirt flapping in the breeze. *Shudder*. But no, instead Mike went on Instagram Live and embarrassed himself, metaphorically. And I mean that literally. He talked about all the different kinds of milk he likes.
Help me. I need resuscitation for second hand embarrassment. No, not you, back away from my lips, I need it from Mike! Mike says that his friends all told him not to do it but he didn’t listen. Instead he listened to his inner Armie Hammer and acted out of emotion. And it seems he was still worked up about it because he continued to use those perfectly good cunnilingus lips to form additional words about it in the interview.
Either way, the response over the summer upset Jordan, and as we talk about it now, it upsets him again: “Did you know whose boat it was? No. Was it a yacht? Nah. If you knew what a yacht was, you’d know that wasn’t a yacht. It’s a boat. It’s a boat. Have you ever been to Italy before? Do you know how that works? Sometimes you get on a boat, you go and meet people you’ve never met before, enjoy some stuff. It’s vacation, it’s life. Then it just turned into this whole other thing that it wasn’t. It just wasn’t that. I felt like I needed to say something in that moment.”
Michael, call me when your tell-all memoir “When A Boat Is Just A Boat” hits the stand, otherwise, please zip it, and then unzip something else. I implore you.
Pic: Awol Erizku/GQ