People reports that someone at Discovery Inc. felt that the world wasn’t falling into a stinky crevasse of corruption, greed, bigotry, and untimely death quickly enough. So they gave the returning-to-television Chip and Joanne Gaines their own television network. Expect a lot of shows about shiplap and very little reality television programming about gay weddings.
The Gaines appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (clip below) and sprung the good (?) news that they’re coming back to TV. The Gaines haven’t been on television since the show that made them, HGTV’s Fixer Upper, closed up shop last year after its fifth season. On their new TV offering, you’re going to see them, the kids, Manse Shiplap, the whole shit show. No, thank you. Our eyes can’t stand anymore rolling out of their sockets and falling onto the floor in 2018. We’ll have to get glass ones.
“We signed a non-disclosure and it said quote unquote you can tell your mother but that’s it,” Chip, 43, joked after Fallon asked if the couple would ever return to TV. “So mom, I just wanted to make a quick announcement, we are coming back to television. You are going to get to see the kids grow up, you are going to see us, well maybe a six-month delay like the rest of the world, but we are excited to be back.”
If that wasn’t bad enough, Magnolia spokesshiplap John Marsicano told People that they’re getting their own network. You didn’t know you needed a show about rusty tin storage solutions hosted by Baby Crew Gaines, did you?
Magnolia spokesman John Marsicano also confirmed the news in an exclusive statement to PEOPLE: “We’re excited to share that we are currently in the early stages of talking with Discovery about a lifestyle-focused media network for Magnolia. The details surrounding this opportunity remain a work in progress, but together, our hope is to build a different kind of platform for unique, inspiring and family-friendly content.”
Chip told Jimmy that they’re going to remain based in Waco, Texas. You’re welcome, Waco.
“I think we’re really going to carve it out in a way that really makes sense to us and our families,” he said. “It’ll be filmed a lot in Waco, Texas, so we don’t have to travel a whole lot. All things being equal, we could not be more excited.”
The Gaines already have a whole bunch of shit going on business-wise, including a magazine, a Target line, a restaurant, and a sort of Magnolia shopping mall in Waco. A show that I would watch on the Gaines’ TV network would be a reality show about the people in Waco who can’t stand the Gaines family. It would be called Fuck Shiplap and just be them sitting on their porches glaring at all the film crews and tourists ruining their previously peaceful lives.