A Dutch Man Is Suing To Have His Age Legally Changed From 69 To 49

November 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Men have a very narrow window in which they can get a fair shake in life. They’re at the peak of their powers between the ages 40 and 60. Any man below the age of 40 isn’t taken seriously, and sadly, any man over the age of 60 is practically invisible. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, but it just is. And has been for centuries. Well, one man is saying no more!

According to The Telegraph, Emile Ratelband, who is from The Netherlands, isn’t going to take his oppression sitting down. He’s filed a lawsuit asking the court to allow him to change his biological age, which is 69, to his heart age, which is 49 (metaphorically of course, his actual heart is also 69). And he’s using the argument that transgender people can legally amend their sex, so he should have the right to change his age, which is fucking up his Tinder game.

Emile was sick and tired of being 69 (which, bro, that is obviously the BEST age, you fool!) and tried to get his local government to allow him to legally change it to 49, which is how old he feels. What, you didn’t know you could do that? Well, that’s because you can’t.

The entrepreneur and self-help guru is suing his local authority after they refused the amend his age on official documents.

Mr Ratelband’s case has now gone to a court in the city of Arnhem in the eastern Dutch province of Gelderland.

Emile argued:

“Transgenders can now have their gender changed on their birth certificate, and in the same spirit there should be room for an age change.”

Emile claims his doctor told him that he had the body of a 45-year-old. The Doctor probably also slapped him on the back and called him “champ”, so we can expect another suit to follow with Emile arguing he legally be named the Uncontested Heavyweight Champion of the World. At Emile’s advanced age of 69, he finds he doesn’t get the respect or attention his young body deserves.

“When I’m 69, I am limited. If I’m 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work.

“When I’m on Tinder and it say I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position.

Here’s what he looks like. What do you say? Do you swipe left or swipe right?

Sorry, Champ. It’s a no for me. But I’m only 16 this week so it wouldn’t even be legal (next year I think I’ll revisit 28, because that was THE. SHIT.). I kid, but Emile does not take this lightly. He’s clearly thought this through with the mental tenacity of a 3-year-old. But then, so has the judge on this case. He wondered about the practical implications of “legally deleting” part of one’s life. He asked, “For whom did your parents care in those years?”. The answer of course is that they didn’t, Taraji P. Henson did.

Pic: Paramount Pictures

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