On This Halloween, “Today” And “Good Morning America” Terrorized The 80s 

October 31, 2018 / Posted by:

For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.

Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.

First up is Willie Geist who was Ferris Bueller, but looked more like Chandler Bing on meth.

Al Roker was Doc and Dylan Dreyer was Marty McFly from Back to the Future. The budget was obviously blown on renting that DeLorean, which explains those highly-flammable rayon wigs bought for two quarters at the swap meet.

Craig Melvin did things to me as Prince Akeem from Coming to America, and probably had many hard-up thirsty hos applying to be his royal bather/ball polisher.

Then there was Peter Alexander as Maverick and Jenna as Goose. Never mind that Peter Alexander needed to walk on his knees to accurately portray Tom Cruise, I am still disgusted with myself over my loins getting their breath taken away by Jenna Bush Hager as Goose, who kind of looks like the douchier brother of Ryan from Million Dollar Listing: New York. Either Jenna really looks hot as a dude, or I am in the wrong kind of heat and someone needs to give me an entire box of Q-Tips.

Kathie Lee Gifford was Material Girl era Madonna, and they really missed out on an opportunity to slather her in a shoulder pads-stuffed blazer to play herself during her Regis & Kathie Lee days. This is less Madonna and more Kathie Lee Gifford pulling her Marilyn Monroe costume out of her closet (you know she has one) to drunkenly entertain her dinner guests in her living room after her second bottle of Chardonnay.

Carson Daly went as The Boss. The Boss of what I’m not sure. The Boss of a midwestern plumbing business that got shut down after he was hit with several lawsuits for stealing the dirty panties of his customers and killing their dogs to make a wig?

Sheinelle Jones was Tina Turner!

Savannah Guthrie went as Cyndi Lauper if Cyndi Lauper was a bland soccer mom whose idea of having fun and going wild is drinking a caffeinated Tab instead her usual Caffeine Free Tab.

Like I said above, Hoda Woman said fuck it to the 80s theme, and went as 1973 Elton John, because I guess she really wanted to wear two dead swans on her shoulders and work his signature “Peter Pan after getting a bangs trim with safety scissors by a drunk kangaroo” hair.

And even though the Today dog’s costume looked nothing like Cher, pooch easily won.

I’m wondering what ex-Today-er Megyn Kelly was supposed to dress as? My guess is that she’s in front of her fireplace right now and is making a pissed-off face while burning the blackface make-up and Jheri curl wig she was going to wear to dress as Soul Man. Poor Megyn.

And Good Morning America also did an 80s theme. Specifically, an 80s TV theme. Here’s a way-too-damn-long video of Amy Robach as Peg Bundy, Michael Strahan as Mr. T, Robin Roberts as Dominique Deveraux, Lara Spencer as Captain Stubing, and Sam Champion as an 80s tour guide. While Robin Roberts won for me since you can never go wrong by dressing as a goddess from Dynasty, George Stephanopoulos came in second by dressing as an “uptight, stick-up-his-ass fuddy duddy who is too good to dress up in a Halloween costume.” No, he claims he went as Alex P. Keaton, so yeah, basically as an “uptight, stick-up-his-ass fuddy duddy who is too good to dress up in a Halloween costume.”

Here’s more of the messes from Today:

Pics: Wenn.com

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