There are many ways to die and/or lose your dick without having innocent people scarred by the sight of:
1) Your naked body.
2) Your naked body getting mauled by sharks.
3) Sharks barfing while trying to get the taste of douche out of their mouths.
But a dude, who may or may not have been boozed up, decided that swimming naked with sharks was a good idea. A Canadian mess, who police have identified as 37-year-old David Weaver of Nelson, British Columbia, went to the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Aquarium in downtown Toronto Friday night and took off all his panties before risking getting Lorena Bobbitt’d by jumping into a tank of sharks. David is wanted by police for that Darwin Award-worthy act of foolery, but he’s also wanted for possibly beating on a man at a Medieval Times on the same night three miles away. Terrorizing tourist traps? For shame! I really hope that as a Canadian, David at least spit out a half-assed apology to the tourists so that he didn’t totally ruin the pristine image of Canada as the epicenter of politeness.
When a bald-headed attention whore gets naked in front of you and jumps into a shark enclosure called Dangerous Lagoon you should record it on your phone, so somebody recorded on their phone the moment when Wild Dude Dave got taint-out naked and gave the people a show. Even the sharks in Canada are polite because they were polite enough to not eat his ass (and not in a sexy way). Although, Vice says that the sharks in the pool are sand tiger sharks who usually don’t fuck with people unless they’re fucked with. Wild Dude Dave and his dick and nalgitas were escorted away by aquarium employees, and I guess he put on his chonies and left after that. WARNING: In case you didn’t already figure it out, there’s dick and nalgitas in this clip.
Before getting naked with the sharks, Buzzfeed News says that police believe he attacked a man at a Medieval Times. The man suffered a busted eye and a knocked-out tooth and was taken to the hospital but later released. The police say the attack at Medieval Times happened at around 8pm and the naked shark swimming happened before 10pm. Police released a picture of David Weaver and want the public’s help to find him:
— CP24 (@CP24) October 16, 2018
So let’s see… he swam with sharks and fought another man at a Medieval Times? WHAT A RED-BLOODED MAN THAT IS! Based on that info, it should be easy to find him. Police should just go to Dave & Busters and look for a bro who is humping an air hockey table while deepthroating a bottle of Fireball. Or just search the streets for a car that seems lost but isn’t bothering to pull over to ask for directions.