Lana Del Rey Wants To Beat Azealia Banks’ Ass, Literally

October 10, 2018 / Posted by:

Lana Del Rey (government name: Elizabeth Woolridge Grant) grew up in an upper middle class family in Lake Placid, NY and went to a prep school in Connecticut. But I guess those prep school kids were an extra kind of hard and taught little Lizzie how to hide razors in her hair, Crisco up her face, and knuckle a bitch in the face, because she’s obviously confident enough in her fighting skills to invite a trick over for a bona fide ass whoopin. Former rapper turned full-time shit talker (which is what I put on my tax returns next to occupation) Azealia Banks got one of those invitations after trash talking Lana on Twitter.

Kanye West is wearing a MAGA hat. Taylor Swift is twisting Republican chonies. Lady Gaga is a Best Actress Oscar front-runner. And now Lana Del Rey is threatening to go all Bad Girls Club on Azealia Banks? I don’t know what kind of backwards foolery dust is in the air, but can some fly up into the nose of Alexander Skarsgard and move him to show up at my apartment the next time I go fishing for some anonymous fuck and dump action on Grindr?

This question mark-summoning wreck all started over Kanye West rubbing chodes with Donald Trump. When Kanye proudly wore a MAGA hat on Instagram and said we need to get rid of the 13th amendment, Lana slammed him in the comments, calling him delusion, narcissistic and in need of an intervention. That same day, Azealia proved that she’s no longer in the music industry and just shits at the mouth on the sidelines with the rest of us by coming at Lana Del Rey for Lana’s comments to Kanye.

Azealia has both time on her hands and a desperate need to feel her veins with attention, so she kept poking at Lana and wrote this in an Instagram Story:

Now I dare you to challenge me on any of my opinions “witch” @lanadelrey. You aren’t built for battle… I suggest you apologize to Kanye West immediately.

I’m tried of white women in Hollywood and their fake ass innocent agendas. These bitches will take any opportunity to make themselves seem more righteous in regards to black men who don’t bow down to their vapid ‘social power’ or more civilized and respectable than the black women that have a REAL reason to be angry.

Lana Del Rey took the bait and broke out of her usual sleepy stoner haze to channel her inner 13-year-old hood rat and challenge Azealia to a beat down.

That’s all it took. I don’t need to tell you that Azealia responded with approximately 9,000 tweets, because again, her life bars energize when she trends on Twitter and she’s got nothing but time. Azealia slapped back by coming for Lana’s looks and giving her beauty advice:

Oh, Azealia, Azealia, don’t quit your day job as an unemployed attention whore and get into the beauty game. Because as someone who has tried your facial recipe many, many times, I’ve still got wrinkles. The Elizabeth Arden of jizz, you ain’t.

Lana replied with this:

Azealia replied with a threat to call a lawyer she probably can’t afford:

And finally, Lana doubled down on wanting to

The only winner in this feud is Flat Tummy for getting free promo.

But really, which witch would come out as the winner in this fight? On one hand, Lana could paralyze Azealia by crooning out one of her coma-inducing soothing ballads. But on the other hand, Azealia would probably pull out a chicken and threaten to cut off its head while casting a spell on Lana. And that’d make Lana say, “Okay, okay, don’t kill that chicken and get blood all over my driveway. I just got it paved.


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