Ben Affleck And Jennifer Garner Are Officially Divorced

October 6, 2018 / Posted by:

No, we swear it this time. It’s real. For heaven’s sake, it’s in People! Having to drive Ben Affleck to rehab again (and empty her car of all of his Jack in the Box wrappers) must have pushed Jennifer Garner to zoom over to her lawyer’s office and scream, “I WANT IT TO READ ‘EX-WIFE JENNIFER GARNER’ NOW!!!”, at the startled receptionist in the lobby. The couple have announced that they’ve finalized their divorce after three years of separation. *sad music*

As previously reported, Jennifer petitioned on Oct. 1 to get her divorce papers sent to a private judge to get things wrapped up. It looks like her petition got a big ole’ “GRANTED” stamp on it by the Honorable Judge William H. Whythefuckdidthistakesolong. The couple reportedly met with their lawyers and the judge on Thursday to sign off.

The now-divorced couple have three kids (Violet, 12, Seraphina, 9, and Samuel, 6) and TMZ is saying that their joint custody agreement is being “closely monitored.”

Ben and Jenn had reportedly always planned to share joint custody of the kids. This means that they’ll have legal custody so they’ll make decisions about the children together. Physical custody, however, is sort of nebulous at this point because Ben only just completed 40 days in rehab. There’s going to be a monitor present when he’s with the kids, at least at the beginning.

We’re told the physical custody agreement is vague … it doesn’t outline any specific division of time with the kids. But, we’re told, at least at the beginning, Jen will get the lion’s share of custodial time, and when Ben has the kids he will have a monitor to ensure he’s sober and the kids are safe.

The kids are also old enough now “to have a voice as well.”

The first failed attempts at live-ation Daredevil and Elektra officially separated after 10 years of marriage in 2015. They first met on the set of Pearl Harbor in 2000 and the quality of that movie should have been a sign not to start dating ever. After she divorced Scott Foley (still Team Ben here) and he got through thoroughly investigating JLo’s ass on yachts, they took their relationship public at a Red Sox game in 2004.

The couple has obviously tried to keep it mature for the sake of their kids, spending family vacations together, etc. They were all seen attending church together last Sunday and at a school event for one of the kids on Wednesday.

You would think that they would have lasted seeing as their first public date was at a Sox game during the 2004 season. Any normally sportsball-detesting homosexual knows that that was the season that they won the World Series after 86 years. A holy event like that should counteract any bad voodoo that doing shitty movies together like Pearl Harbor and Daredevil had cast upon them, right? Unfortunately – no. *sad music reprise*


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