Open Post: Hosted By Robert Pattinson’s Hairy Stems In Dior Shorts

October 3, 2018 / Posted by:

Fran Lebowitz and filthy pretend-shorts-hater Justin Theroux are somewhere screaming at their assistants to keep pouring the gallons of eyewash into their seeing globes after their retinas, corneas, and all that other shit that make up the eye were burned by the disgusting sight of man legs in shorts. It disgusts them almost more than my phone getting infected by a Presidential Alert disgusts me. Yes, I’m dipping my phone in liquid antibiotics as I type this.

Robert Pattinson gets paid to be the face (and in this case legs) of Dior Homme, so he has to wear their stuff to events and wore them to an event last night. Or maybe he doesn’t have to wear their stuff to all events and just really wanted to look like a hipster hobo who disguised himself as a 6-year-old prep schoolboy to break into a fancy academy’s office to steal all the money they raised during their organic, sugarless, gluten-free bake sale.

At the New York Film Festival premiere of High Life last night, RPattz looked like he just ran over from auditioning for the role of Angus Young in an AC/DC biopic (I doubt he got the role since Angus would never bring that kind of sloppiness to his schoolboy aesthetic). It’s fitting that he wore this to the premiere of a movie called High Life because he was probably ten kinds of high when he agreed to wear a culottes suit. But you know, I’m bored with seeing dudes in boring suits, so I embrace RPattz looking like LeBron James if LeBron James had a funeral at 3pm and a game at 3:30pm.

But you know who probably isn’t loving this? Prince George. Formal shorts are his thing. So he’s either going to send RPattz to the gallows or get his maids to burn all his shorts so no one ever mistakes him for having the same fashion sense as a lowly peasant.


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