And I’m sure the guests are already drooling with excitement. Just think: sitting on an imported Italian leather chair in their finest $4000 semi-formal dress, watching as dozens of rare coconutoilflies (they’re better than butterflies, don’t worry about it) are released into the air. If those aren’t your plans for this weekend, then you’re obviously not attending Gwyneth Paltrow’s rumored wedding.
After about four years together, Gwyneth and Brad Falchuk are ready (really ready this time) to walk down the aisle. Or “earthing through the narrow towards intentional connection,” as I’m sure it’s being called around the Goop.com offices as they prepare to write some pretentious nonsense about Gwyneth’s big day.
Two sources confirmed to Harper’s Bazaar that it’s definitely happening. UsWeekly says it will happen on Saturday at Gwyneth’s home in the Hamptons in front of about 20 guests. Page Six says the guest list is a little bigger, with 50 people. But the point they all seem to make is that it will be private and intimate. Gwyneth also reportedly hired a wedding planner, who just “gets her,” so that she can “show up and know it will be perfect.” Lainey Gossip says that the rehearsal dinner is tonight, and that the entire theme of the wedding has been pretty traditional and not very Goop-like.
This will be Gwyneth’s second marriage. Thanks to the term “conscious uncoupling,” who could ever forget that she was married to Chris Martin from 2003 to 2014. Brad was previously married to television producer Suzanne Bukinik. Both Gwyneth and Brad have two kids each, and she recently revealed that there won’t be any new goop babies, because she and Brad are happy to live with their blended family. Gwyneth and Brad met on the set of Glee back in 2014.
I have a feeling someone at that wedding reception is going to pick up a mic and sing a janky mash-up of We’ve Only Just Begun and White Wedding, and of course that person will be Gwyneth. Dear guests: if you want to distract her away from the mic, just shout out “I think I taste gluten in this cake.”