I can’t be sure, but based on Sharon Osbourne’s recent confession about her sex life, I want to believe Ozzy Osbourne is leaning in and asking: “Oi Sharaaaan, I heard it’s National Punctuation Day. So can I comma in your colon tonight or what?”
Things appear to be getting back to normal on The Talk after the drama of Julie Chen’s recent exit, and by “normal,” I of course mean diving into the deep end of Sharon’s personal life with her husband.
After being asked by guest co-host Valerie Bertinelli if she and Ozzy still have sex, Sharon revealed today that she needs a break from Ozzy’s near-constant state of perpetual old man horniness. According to Sharon, the compromise they’ve come to is that she’ll have sex with Ozzy on holidays. Legitimate holidays, though; if it doesn’t have a designated decoration or song, Sharon’s not touching the dong. Via Page Six:
“This is a bone of contention in our house. He’s got a problem, he’s like a rabbit. And I’m like, you know, birthdays, Christmas at this point in my life. Special occasions. It’s Thanksgiving, why not?”
Sara Gilbert then reminded Sharon that she once claimed she preferred being sick with the flu to having sex with Ozzy, to which Sharon joked: “No wonder he fiddles other people. He doesn’t. He’s a good boy.”
That “fiddling other people” wasn’t a reference to borrowing other people’s violins. In 2016, Ozzy was caught cheating on Sharon with a hairdresser. Last year, Sharon admitted that Ozzy would bang anything that looked at him. But Sharon’s idea to reserve sex for holidays is a sneaky plan, especially since she’d rather run a fever than get down with Ozzy. Sharon just listed off a bunch of holidays with big meals. For example, birthdays have cake and chocolate, Christmas and Thanksgiving often have roasted meats and birds filled with tryptophan. I see what Sharon is doing: stuffing Ozzy full of sleepytime foods so that he crashes into a food coma on the couch before he can pop a boner. Very clever of you, Sharon.