Bounty of dick Justin Theroux did an interview with the New York Times in which he spoke about splitting from Jennifer Aniston. Justin was obviously taking notes whenever he and Jennifer hung around with GOOP and Coldplay because he describes the implosion of his marriage as a “gentle separation.” That means he had sanity enough not to challenge the pre-nup. Friends money can buy a caliber of lawyer that would have left Justin with nothing but two differently matched hipster boots and tumbleweeds blowing out of his wallet on the chain.
The NYT profile dives deep into the full celebrity douche-hipster world, following Justin as he skirts the velvet rope at NYC clubs with his friends to creep on models and gets texts from Alexander Skarsgard. He finally deigns to remove his gold aviator sunglasses (but not his Gucci belt…it’s hard to determine whether the writer really wanted to get inside Justin’s artfully distressed black stove pipe jeans or was totally clowning on him) and get into Jennifer Aniston.
“The good news is that was probably the most — I’m choosing my words really carefully — it was kind of the most gentle separation, in that there was no animosity,” he said, neither defensive nor bitter. “In a weird way, just sort of navigating the inevitable perception of it is the exhausting part.”
Uh huh, he went on:
He took a breath and tried to elucidate the curious nature of a Hollywood marriage. Because acting is “kind of a carny lifestyle,” he said, with frequent separations a part of the job description, the split “doesn’t have that seismic shift of an ordinary couple, where everything is, like, you have to tear a baby in half.”
Justin, who sort of presents as the sexiest yet douchiest manager at the Hot Topic in your local mall, went on to describe how boring it is to divorce Jennifer Aniston, who isn’t heartbroken FYI, and how there’s nothing to see here, folks.
Far from meta, he sounded earnest. “Again, neither one of us is dead, neither one of us is looking to throw hatchets at each other,” he said. “It’s more like, it’s amicable. It’s boring, but, you know, we respected each other enough that it was as painless as it could be.”
A few days later, when I asked if he was currently seeing anyone, he laughed. “Is this the part where I coyly raise an eyebrow and not answer the question?” he said.
And just because you divorce someone, it doesn’t mean you can’t stay besties. “Gently separating” or “consciously uncoupling” could translate as still being invited on the Cabo Wabo vacation excursions with Jen and friends so why would you fuck with that?
“It was heartbreaking,” he added, “only in the sense that the friendship would not be the same, as far as just the day to day. But the friendship is shifting and changing, you know, so that part is something that we’re both very proud of.”
The most interesting thing we learn about Justin Theroux in his NYT profile is that he never wears shorts (LIAR!). It could be Satan’s fiery furnace out and he’ll still be encased in his skinny jeans. This is because of a tattoo regret isn’ it? It’s probably a tattoo of himself but with the “Rachel” haircut he got while being drunk and ironic one night.