Hallelujah! The clouds have parted and a single ray of sunlight is shining brightly over Justin Bieber, because divine Hillsong intervention has worked for the first time in history and blessed him with a sprinkling of common sense. Despite Justin Bieber looking like a homeless tweaker in that picture above (“Only ‘looking’?” thought anyone who has seen THAT video), he’s worth millions. TMZ reports that The Biebs and Hailey Baldwin did not get secret married last week after being spotted obtaining their marriage license, because they are busy working out a prenup before they hit the gallows- I mean aisle. It’s a Hollywood miracle! A completely rational decision being made by two horny celebrity 20 somethings in a rush to get married. This brings a tear to my eye.
They’re currently in Italy following a trip to London, where Hailey was “working” for the launch of Adidas Originals Falcon sneakers at a fashion show (Oh, Adidas! I’ve been repping you since Run-DMC. Please don’t mess up our decades long love affair!). Well, now Hailey can choose to work for Adidas, Payless Shoes, Crocs or whomever she damn well pleases, because after she and The Biebs get married, she is going to be richer. Depending on which guessing game of an internet source you choose to believe, The Biebs net worth is reportedly somewhere between $225 -$305 million. Shit, Hailey could just take the difference between the two figures and be set for life post Biebs.
I’m shocked that there are people in his corner that have actually talked him into doing the logical thing that a foolish young and in love mazillionare ought to do – protect his cash money once the down low parts stop tingling (the good kind of tingle, not the Valtrex kind) and the eyes start a wanderin’.
Luckily since The Biebs and Hailey are staying in a $13,000 per night private villa on the Amalfi coast, they must have more than a few rooms for privacy. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to keep up the high levels of cuddly coupledom up while simultaneously taking secret calls from their lawyers to hack out the prenup?
Justin: (Phone Rings) “Uh, sorry babe, I gotta piss. I’m just gonna take this into the toilet. (Whispersing) Hey, my lawyer, what’ve you got? No way, low ball! low ball! I didn’t bust my balls across Canada to be ripped off like that. No deal! (Slams phone down). Where were we babe? Oh, yes. You like my tongue in your ear?”.
Hailey: “That feels great, Babe. (Phone rings). Uh, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. (Answers phone) Where are we with the prenup? If that little shit turd says I’m worth less than half the deal is off the table! I have to go and let that Canadian ATM tongue my ear some more, which is better than him singing into it. (Slams phone down).”