Open Post: Hosted By The $12,000 Bottle Of Noah Cyrus’ Tears

September 20, 2018 / Posted by:

Are you a mega rich bitch who is looking for something to waste your money on because you’ve gotten bored with burning it in front of the poor or blending it into lube to use while fucking a $2,000/hour escort in front of the poor? Well, the spawn of hillbilly possum Billy Ray Cyrus and former pro groupie Tish Cyrus has a new and perfect thing for you to waste your cash on while letting everyone know you’ve got more FuckIt money than you need.

Noah Cyrus, the edgiest emoji on your iPhone, has teamed up with some company called Pizzaslime to sell some stupid bullshit that totally isn’t just a stupid gimmick to promote her stupid EP (and yes, stupid me is falling for it). Noah’s EP called Good Cry is out soon, and to promote it, Pizzaslime is selling some toddler Emo shit from HELL like a mug that reads “Noah Cyrus Tears,” a hoodie that reads “Noah Cyrus Sucks,” and t-shirts with Billy Ray’s tattooed face on them. But the Emo butt cherry on top of it all is the $12,000 bottle of 12 tears that ALLEGEDLY trickled out of Noah’s eyes while she was sad. (She probably cried them out when her relationship contract with that Recess character expired.)

Here’s the description of that mess from Pizzaslime:

This is approximately 12 tears made by Noah Cyrus as a result of sadness

Human digestion of these tears is not suggested cause tears are generally pretty salty and that would just be super fucking weird if you drank someone else’s tears

How very Dead Petz era Miley Cyrus of her.

$1,000 a tear? Bargain. But seriously, hopefully that scam is a true scam and there’s only 12 drops of salty tap water in there. Because if not, some evil millionaire will buy several jars and use them to create a dark-sided army of Cyrus clones that will destroy us all with their horrific music. We’re doomed.

Pic: Pizzaslime

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