During this year’s Super Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake offended The Purple One by putting his pucker-inducing image on fucking laundry, I figured that Pepsi was torturing us so that we’d scream, “Enough! Enough! Okay, okay, bring back that creepy happy cult from the 70s. We give up!” I guess they want us to scream louder, because the halftime performers of 2019’s Super Bowl will be Heavy Flow Stain Cinco aka Maroon 5. “Honey, I think someone spilled the ranch, feta, and French onion dip onto the floor” will be heard at Super Bowl parties everywhere after middle-aged moms shoot out a coochie geyser from watching Adam Levine make orgasm faces.
UsWeekly was the first to say that skinny John Mayer and company have accepted an offer to headline the Super Bowl LIII halftime show in Atlanta, Georgia on February 3. Variety co-signed UsWeekly’s claim. Adam told Howard Stern in 2015 that they’ve been on the halftime shortlist for a while and that they want to do it one day. I guess that day is February 3rd.
Coldplay was the last band to play the Super Bowl in 2016. Before and after that, it’s mostly been pop and R&B people like Katy Perry, Madonna, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, and of course, Timberdouche.
Both the NFL and reps for Maroon 5 wouldn’t say shit about this.
Maroon 5 is the safest of safe choices, but it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been:
- Timberdouche, again.
- That Prince image on dirty laundry, again.
- DJ Cunnilingus Hater
- Bhad Bhabi
- Whoever is responsible for the demonic Empire jingle
I’ll probably stay away from the halftime show, because it’s going to make me get up, pull down my chonies, KY Jelly up my b-hole and bend over against a wall. No, not because Adam Levine’s castration yodel makes me assume the position. But because the only time I hear a damn Maroon 5 song is in a doctor’s office, so the sound of them makes me want to prepare for a prostate exam.