The Microsoft Windows Solitaire Decks From The 90s!
You could really tell a lot about a bitch based on the cover of the Microsoft Solitaire deck they chose. If you chose Dracula’s Castle, you were probably a fake goth (because a real goth would never play solitaire since they were too busy speaking to the dead through tarot cards). If you chose the beach scene, you were a basic who had a pink Pee-Chee folder and smelled like Clinique Happy. If you chose the robot, you were a basic who had a plain Pee-Chee folder and thought Boy Meets World was the best show ever. If you chose the Magic Eye card, you were loved drugs. If you chose the fish, you were a cat or a bird. If you chose the hand holding three aces, you were a serial killer (because nobody chose that shit!). And if you chose the gay seashell, you had impeccable taste and also may have mistaken it for a gay ice cream cone or a unicorn turd.
What was really magical about the Microsoft Solitaire cards was that they were animated. The fish would swim around, the bats above the haunted castle would flap their wings, and the sun in the beach scene would stick his tongue out. I don’t remember what the gay seashell did, but I’m guessing that its animation involved it heading to Fire Island and dropping its shit to La Bouche’s Be My Lover at a tea party.
And the only animation that was better than the cards making magic was this. This was better than drugs:
Microsoft Solitaire is still around, but they changed the covers of the cards. That’s a shame, because if you were dating someone and wanted to see what kind of person they are, you could check which solitaire cover they chose. If they chose the hand holding three aces, you could immediately call 911 and run for your liiiife!