So, over at UsWeekly, I read this first sentence in their article about a high school football coach giving his players maple syrup shots.
A football coach in Georgia has come up with an apropos way of rewarding his team for making pancake blocks: maple syrup shots!
Since I know as much about football as I do about proper grammar and punctuation, I thought that the teammates were making walls of pancakes, or pancake blocks was a move where you eat your teammates pancakes at breakfast before they can. But a “pancake block” is the name of a football move (BORING!), and a football coach in Georgia has been rewarding his players for making the move by hitting their mouths with the blood of Aunt Jemima.
Darrian Carmicheal, the offensive line coach at Jonesboro High School, tells USA Today that when he was an assistant coach at DeKalb County last year, he kept a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup strapped to his khakis to be funny. But then he started actually giving his players maple syrup shots whenever they completed a hot move. Here’s one player getting rewarded with a splash of Aunt Jemima.
My man gives out shots of syrup for pancakes ???? Happy Game day to my high school followers and coaches! pic.twitter.com/OJoGC2py4b
— The Big Guy (@WeAreBigGuys) September 7, 2018
Gatorade is usually the sugary nectar of choice at football games and practices, but Coach Carmicheal says that his players’ eyes light up whenever they see him coming at them with an open bottle of Aunt Jemima.
“I believe (in) this day and age when coaching kids you have to have something extra for them to look for or an incentive to make them go harder. You should see my boys’ eyes ready to run to the sideline! If you have played football before or offensive line, you know we do not get all the praise and accolades when we do most of the work. This is just something to make them proud and feel appreciated because NO ONE GETS THE SHOT BUT THEM. It makes me happy knowing that they are doing their assignment and having fun doing it!”
As someone who has been known to drink a cup of sugar water whenever he needs a quick sweet fix, I am not going to judge those weird sick fucks for loving maple syrup without pancakes, waffles, or sausages. But well, if you pointed at a maple tree and asked Aunt Jemima what it was, she’d say, “I don’t know her.” Because this is what’s in Aunt Jemima:
CORN SYRUP, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, WATER, CELLULOSE GUM, CARAMEL COLOR, SALT, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, SODIUM BENZOATE AND SORBIC ACID (PRESERVATIVES), SODIUM HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE.
Basically, tons of delicious things.
And football players in Canada (where they call it mooseball, and yes, they play with actual moose balls) are pfft-ing at this. Because after a sweet move, they do a maple syrup shot straight out of a tree, guzzle down a bag of milk, and chest bump before apologizing just in case that chest bump hurt.