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Downyflake Waffles!

If you asked anyone who was alive in the 1980s if they remember Downyflake Waffles, there’s a 98% chance that they’d look at you with a mixture of confusion and grossness, because: 1 – They’d have no idea what you’re talking about. And 2 – They’d dry heave over the thought of Downy fabric softener getting so desperate for new products that they made fresh-laundry-flavored waffles. But Downyflake frozen waffles had nothing to do with Downy fabric softener and they were around up until the mid-90s.

I put my journalistic skills to work and after a one second Google search, I discovered that Downywaffles were sold as early as the 1950s, around the same time that the ruler of the frozen waffle game, Eggo, came out. In the 1970s, Downyflakes made Hot-N-Buttery (not to be confused with one of my more delusional Grindr usernames), which sounded like heavenly perfection. They were frozen waffles with fake butter built in each square that melted when you heat ’em up. I feel like I’m not truly an American because I never got a load of fake butter shot into my mouth while biting into a frozen waffle.

Pet Inc, company that owned Downyflakes, was later bought by Pillsbury in 1995. The Pillsbury Doughboy may look like he’s filled with dough, sweetness, dough, compassion, dough, and kindness, but don’t let that happy face fool you. Bitch has a dark and evil side, because after he bought Pet Inc, he killed Downyflakes and turned its corpse into Hungry Jack frozen waffles. via The Chicago Tribune

During a transition period beginning July 1, Downyflake becomes “Downyflake from Hungry Jack.” Eventually, Hungry Jack will become the label.

As part of this makeover, the frozen-waffle line has been reformulated and repackaged.

Also, such new varieties as apple cinnamon and low-fat waffles (the latter an improved version of an existing item) will be added.

The rebranding also includes a hefty 44 percent increase in marketing and promotion, of which there will be “significant” media ad spending, says Perl.

Pillsbury Doughboy? More like Pillsbury Doughdemon. Speaking of demons, everyone in this Downyflake commercial from 1980 is so creepily peppy and their manufactured happiness tells me one thing: they’re all serial killers who are possessed by Satan and kill for Downyflake waffles.

So the Pillsbury Doughboy better sleep with both eyes open, because that family has probably been plotting for decades to violently murder him for coldly killing Downyflake Waffles. And what they poke him with isn’t going to make his ass giggle.

Pic: Pinterest