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Matilda Bay Wine Coolers!

If you’re a newbie Australian drag queen in search of a name, snatch up “Matilda Bay” while you still can. If the 1980s had a urethra and a bladder, it would piss out wine coolers. Wine coolers were the sweet nectar of the 1980s. If you were a genteel pearl who lifted their delicate pinky up when they sipped their wine cooler, you preferred Bartles & Jaymes. If you were a messy slut who liked to chug on something sweet after sucking sandy random dick under the pier on a Florida beach, you preferred Sun Country. And if Crocodile Dundee spoke to you on a deep level and Kylie Minogue’s Loco-Motion was your favorite song, then you loved to wet your tongue with Australia’s own (that’s a lie) Matilda Bay!

Matilda Bay may have seemed like the sparkling saliva from a kangaroo imported straight from the land down under, but it was actually made by Miller Brewing Co. in 1987. They got into the wine cooler game and tried to take down the rulers of the wine coolers Seagram and Bartles & Jaymes, but it didn’t work out for them. While Seagram and Bartles & Jaymes ruled 65% of the wine cooler market, Matilda Bay only got 7.5%. Miller put a stop to Matilda Bay in 1989. It’s not like Miller didn’t try to push Matilda Bay to the upper echelons of wine cooler excellence. They obviously put all their money into high-budget cinematically brilliant commercials.

Matilda Bay wine coolers even came in a box. The booze-drinking growns of the 1980s really let humanity down by not making Matilda Bay a hit. How could they not embrace something as insanely elegant as wine coolers in a box? Whenever some dumb trick says to me, “Everyone was so tacky in the 80s,” I’ll probably have to begrudgingly agree with them since Matilda Bay, the epitome of wine cooler sophistication, was a flop.

Pic: YouTube