Aretha Franklin Will Have The Royal Funeral She Deserves

August 17, 2018 / Posted by:

If you’re wondering why Amazon has a five-month wait for mourning veils, and flights to Detroit on Kayak are suddenly $20,000 one-way on Southwest, let me tell you why. Aretha Franklin left us on Wednesday night and her family has announced that her funeral will be a four-day (!) affair, including two days of lying in state – open casket! Somewhere in heaven, Evita is fuming “Bitch stole my look.”

TMZ says Aretha’s family figured there’s going to be a massive turnout from fans, family, and friends to pay their respects, so they’re going to give the people what they want. Aretha will lie in state for two days at Detroit’s Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History, of which she was a frequent guest and also has the capacity to accommodate thousands of fans. The museum was also the site of Rosa Parks’ public viewing in 2005.

The funeral itself, limited to friends and family, will be at Greater Grace Temple, and I’m sure they’re still working out how to find a fax machine for Dionne Warwick to send over her eulogy. No date has been set yet for Aretha’s funeral, but her family insists there will be “singing…lots of singing.

There’s also no word yet on who will be catering the reception afterward, but I’m sure Aretha had it in her will that she will haunt the city of Detroit (and not in a good way) if she looks down from heaven and sees even a crumb from her one-time feud partner Patti LaBelle sweet potato pie on one of those church fold-out tables.


Our commenting rules: Don't be racist or bigoted, or get into long-ass fights, or go way off topic when not in an Open Post. Also, promoting adblockers is not allowed. And some comment threads will be pre-moderated, so it may take a second for your comment to show up if it's approved.

alt="drupal analytics" >