The Beyhive is overflowing with activity today because it’s finally here. The Vogue cover we’ve all heard so much about featuring the one and only Beyoncé who had complete creative control of her cover and chose Tyler Mitchell to capture her holiness. Tyler is the first black photographer to shoot the cover for US Vogue in the history of US Vogue. While the headpiece seems a bit reminiscent of the one Rihanna is wearing on her Vogue cover, Beyoncé thankfully kept her eyebrows fully fed.
The whole article reads like Beyoncé jerking herself off for being a cultured, relevant and talented goddess, but she does drop a few interesting pieces of information regarding her life and pregnancy. And you know the people love a pregnant Beyoncé story. Remember when her stomach folded? Classic.
“I was 218 pounds the day I gave birth to Rumi and Sir. I was swollen from toxemia and had been on bed rest for over a month. My health and my babies’ health were in danger, so I had an emergency C-section.”
218 pounds? That’s like two Kim Kardashians! You may not remember because you don’t give a single fuck, but Beyoncé’s biggest fan also had that toxemia issue with her pregnancy. This is going to make Kim so happy. Beyoncé may still not want to be her friend, but now Kim finally has something in common with Beyoncé.
Beyoncé also sort of alludes to that drama involving Becky With The Good Hair and her husband Jay-Z, saying:
“I come from a lineage of broken male-female relationships, abuse of power, and mistrust. Only when I saw that clearly was I able to resolve those conflicts in my own relationship. Connecting to the past and knowing our history makes us both bruised and beautiful.”
I have never heard an elevator brawl described so eloquently.
Beyoncé also talked about how she is in no rush to get her body back into it’s six-packed shape, because no celebrity can talk about pregnancy without also bringing up how it ruined their body but because they’re such positive and woke people they don’t mind being disgusting fat messes:
“To this day my arms, shoulders, breasts, and thighs are fuller. I have a little mommy pouch, and I’m in no rush to get rid of it. I think it’s real. Whenever I’m ready to get a six-pack, I will go into beast zone and work my ass off until I have it. But right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be.”
Leave it to Beyoncé to say pussy for the first time in public using an acronym. She is one class act. Hopefully Beyoncé’s body-positivity will dribble down onto Kim who we all know loves the anorexic look. “OMG! Beyoncé said being fat is okay! How do I do that? Should I eat food or something? How do people do that? …Khloé, come help me with something!”
Here’s more pictures that the Beyhive will transform into stained glass and hang in the room that used to be their children’s bedroom but was transformed into a Church of Bey. Don’t worry, their kids don’t mind sleeping in the garage.