According To Angelina Jolie, Her Divorce Lawyer Didn’t Quit Her

August 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Last night, a frightening black raven alighted on a tree branch outside my bedroom window and began squawking at me. It croaked,“You will retract the post about my mistress’ divorce lawyer firing her or you will suffer a black magic curse straight from her hellish cauldron!” and then flew back to Halloweentown or wherever Angelina Jolie and all those kids are holed up nowadays. I don’t want anywhere near her hellish cauldron, so consider this a retraction, Angie!

Angie’s rep told People that the TMZ story about her divorce lawyer Laura Wasser quitting her is fake news. Hellish cauldron averted, Mr. Raven, the blogger asked timidly?

Supposedly, Laura peace-ed out on the Monochromed One due to Angie’s alleged angry demeanor and her “unreasonable” plan to keep ex-husband Brad Pitt from ever seeing their kids (Pax, 14, Zahara, 13, Shiloh, 12, and 10-year-old twins Vivienne and Knox) again. Sassy oldest kid Maddox is 16 and the judge has said he’s old enough to decide for himself how much time he wants to spend around the crypt with Mom or sparking up doobies with Dad.

Ain’t so, says the official Angie Jo rep, Mindy Nyby, who says she’s also speaking for Laura Wasser.

“I’ve spoken directly to Laura. The TMZ story is not true. She’s not quitting now or in the future.”

Mindy also probably called People back using the Ghostface voice from Scream (it’s Angie’s favorite setting on the voice changer) to pose as “another source close to the situation” to back up the rebuttal. This source says:

“The characterization of problems between Laura and Angie is not true.”

Not so fast, Mindy and “another source!” Brad’s got people, too!

However, an insider tells PEOPLE there’s currently considerable tension between Jolie and Wasser.

As for that story that Angie has already terrified another law firm into working for her, it’s true. The “source” says that it’s standard procedure to flood the courtroom with an army of attorneys to intimidate your ex into conceding to your demands.

“Someone is misinterpreting bringing in the experts, which is common at this point in the case,” says the insider. “It’s entering a new phase.”

The phrase “new phase” sounds chilling. What could it be? Does she frame Brad for murder? Does she makes all of his high-falutin’ favorite architects call him to say that he’s a total himbo who knows nothing about architecture? Does she instruct Maddox to leave anonymous shade on the MIT chick’s Instagram posts like he did with Jennifer Aniston? Not knowing is killing us and it could literally kill Brad!

As for her lawyer – ya hear that, Laura? You haven’t escaped her yet! You don’t leave Angie, Angie leaves you in a dark demon dimension to burn for all eternity!


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