This call is going to go down right after I press the publish button on this post:
911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Old hysterical gay: QUICK! Send every police officer, firefighter, FBI agent, SWAT team member, Avenger, Justice League-er, Officer Poncho, Angela Bassett’s 9-1-1 character, and the 80s She-Ra to Netflix and Dreamsworks studio to arrest everybody in those buildings for their roles in butchering and slaughtering one of the most glamorous beings of the 80s cartoon universe and her friends!
911 operator: Oh, it’s that old hysterical gay again. Sir, when you hung up with me, did you call again hoping you’d get a different operator? Did the men in white coats I sent over to your house not show up yet?
When I heard that Netflix and Dreamworks Animation were joining forces to bring She-Ra into the now, I put my hand on my DVD copy of the She-Ra and He-Man Christmas special (aka my bible) and prayed to the gods above to not let them mess it up. Well, the gods above confirmed they hate me this morning when I didn’t wake up with a naked Alexander Skarsgard on my face (something I asked for last night, they are so rude). And they really confirmed they hate me when Netflix released the first official pictures of the new She-Ra. Those butcherers turned She-Ra and Catra into Fetus-Ra and Kittenra.
There’s some die-hard She-Ra nerds like myself who are crying about the new design because the new She-Ra’s not sexy, doesn’t have chichis and is masculine for them. But unlike me, that’s not my problem. My problem is that She-Ra looks like she was drawn with Crayons by a 12-year-old who flipped through a manga once real fast, and looks like she can’t battle evil after 8pm because that’s when her curfew is. And Catra is no longer an evil goddess of perfection who destroys her enemies with her glamour. She’s now an angsty tween who looks like the only thing she destroys is her bedroom wall by carving an anarchy sign into it while listening to Fall Out Boy.
In case the original She-Ra isn’t cemented in your brain like mine, here’s what she and some of her friends looked like:
Here’s a bigger picture of Fetus-Ra:
And Kittenra and Princess Adora:
And Glimmer and Baby Bow:
Noelle Stevenson, the showrunner for the new She-Ra, told Entertainment Weekly that the show’s main story is sort of the same, but instead of being just one Princess of Power, there’s several:
“We’ve really started from the same starting point where the original show started from because Adora has such a great backstory. She’s separated from her family as a baby, she’s sent to another planet, she’s adopted by the villain overlord and raised by him in this evil army. She’s been raised to believe that the villains are doing the right thing and that the Princesses are the evil ones. And so we follow her as she has this crisis of faith; she’s been very sheltered her whole life and as she starts to experience the world, she realizes that there’s more to this than she knew, that maybe there’s a reason they were called the Evil Horde, that maybe they were evil.”
I can hear some of you screaming at me, “You old piece of trash, this She-Ra ain’t for you,” and you’re right, so if little chirrun get into this new She-Ra as much as I got into the original She-Ra, then I’m all for it. Besides, in 34 years when it’s announced that She-Ra is being rebooted as a baby and the 40-something crazed fans of She-Ra 2.0 scream, “This ain’t my She-Ra,” I’ll be in the nursing home in my She-Ra Depends saying, “See, motherfuckers, now you know how I feel.”
And I bet Kylie Jenner’s already bloated ego got even bigger, because she’s looking at no-lip-having Fetus-Ra and saying, “My impact.”