Bill Cosby’s Sentencing Hearing Has Been Scheduled For September

May 16, 2018 / Posted by:

Considering that less than a month ago he was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault for drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand, Bill Cosby’s probably doing just fine. He’s on house arrest and is posted up in his Pennsylvania mansion which probably isn’t even haunted. His wife Camille still, I’m sure, brings him his slippers every morning and plants a sweet kiss on her favorite grotesque head mole. But his ordeal isn’t over yet. According to CNN, the 80-year-old Cosby has a sentencing hearing scheduled for September 24th and 25th where he could face up to 30 years in prison (that’s 10 years for each count). However, the likelihood of him rotting away in a jail cell and turning into Ghost Dad for reals, is small.

CNN reports:

Some legal experts have said they do not think Cosby will spend any time behind bars. His defense team has said it will appeal the guilty verdict, and it is possible that O’Neill will allow Cosby to remain on house arrest until that appeal is resolved.

The basis for the appeal is that Cosby’s team doesn’t think it was fair for the judge to allow testimony from 5 other accusers which they say “unfairly prejudiced the jury”. More unfair than Cosby giving them drugs and assaulting (allegedly. Dammit, I was hoping to never have to use that word again with The Cos) at least 5 other women willing to tell it to his face? Nope! CNN says:

Cosby’s attorney, Tom Mesereau, will probably ask the court that his client be given home confinement during the appeal, which could take months or even years, CNN legal analyst Joey Jackson said.

Cosby’s home confinement deal is wack as hell. He can even leave the state and go kick it at one of his other mansions if he wants to. He just has to tell somebody first and wear a GPS ankle monitor. If you know anybody that has died and is looking for a unique opportunity for some creative haunting, send them Bill’s way. If he’s gonna be chilling at home, he should be visited nightly by a ruthless succubus with no morals and a freezer full of Jell-O Pudding Pops.

As for his sentencing, if the appeal doesn’t delay it, the judge can take a number of factors into consideration when making his judgement. That means they may be more lenient because he’s old (and probably smells like stale urine), in poor health (when he feels like it), has no prior convictions (oh the irony!) and his philanthropic work over the decades (giving out free drugs does not count!). At any rate, all we can do is wait and see, and hope that the taste of justice we’ve already gotten, just keeps getting sweeter.


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