David Blaine continued to stretch out the definition of “magic trick” on The Tonight Show last night when he used a needle and thread to sew his lips shut as The Roots and guest Priyanka Chopra got grossed out, and Jimmy Fallon got grossed out in an over-the-top theater kid on roids kind of way. And I can hear you hating haters saying, “Why didn’t David Blaine do that trick on Jimmy’s mouth?”
I didn’t get grossed out, because David Blaine sewing up his lips means he can’t almost murder an innocent frog by deep throating it. And if David Blaine sews up his lips, it also means that if the authorities want to talk to him about the rape accusation against him, he can’t say anything since his lips are sewn up. I bet Ole’ Puddin’ Pop wishes he came up with that trick.
And I’m not impressed. I mean, if repeatedly sticking a needle in your lips makes you a magician, then Kylie Jenner is a regular Harry Fuckin’ Houdini.