Whenever I feel every kind of pathetic while cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll (read: a white body pillow covered with orange Sharpie-made freckles, the scent of vodka, and topped with an orange yarn mop and bottomed with a carrot dildo), I’m going to think of the way-too-grown-for-this-shit men who once again (I think they did this with Princess Charlotte and Prince George) stood outside of the Lindo Wing with nightmare-inducing royal baby dolls for 15 days while waiting for Duchess Kate to give birth. Okay, no, I’m still more pathetic than them.
While some of us were dead asleep, the rest of the world had their eyes glued to the Lindo Wing door waiting for Duchess Kate (known as the Welfare Queen to Morrissey types) to give birth to the fifth in line to the throne (known as the latest little drooling benefits scrounger to Morrissey types). The media and people who don’t have to do something call “work” on a Monday morning gathered outside of St. Mary’s Hospital today when it was reported that Duchess Kate checked into the hospital before 6am London time after she got the birthin’ seizures in her royal vagine (I definitely know how the act of labor works). A few hours later, Kensington Palace announced that the child who will get to hold the other side of 4-year-old Future King George’s long cape, along with 2-year-old Princess Charlotte, as he walks to the playroom is a boy.
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 1101hrs.
The baby weighs 8lbs 7oz.
The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 23, 2018
So Duchess Kate has given birth to an heir, a spare, and a back-up. Now that her royal duties are more than fulfilled, she can devote her time to her other job of hand-waving and coat-wearing. And now the royals can set their stop watches while putting their magnifying glasses over Meghan Markle’s uterus.
The newest lucky human who gets to call Prince Hot Ginge “uncle” will most likely make his public debut with his mom and dad outside of the Auntie Lindo Wing door soon. As for the name, oddsmakers think Duchess Kate and Prince William will go with either Arthur, James, Albert, Philip or Thomas. Today is St. George’s Day, but that name is already taken, and it’s also William Shakespeare’s birthday, so they could go with something subtle like The Bard. But I think they should name their son Chopped Liver since in a few seconds, everyone will forget about the newest royal baby and go back to slobbering out every stupid detail about THAT DAMN WEDDING.
But seriously, if Duchess Kate and Prince William truly want to pay respect to the British royal family and its most important members in history, they will name their son Willow. It’s only right.