No Charges Will Be Filed In The Death Of Prince

April 19, 2018 / Posted by:

After Prince made heaven a sexier place in 2016, the Midwest Medical Examiner’s office declared that he died of an accidental fentanyl overdose. Fentanyl is also what took Michael Jackson and Tom Petty. An investigation into Prince’s death was opened, and today Carver County attorney Mark Metz announced that the investigation is now closed. And unlike in the case of Michael Jackson, nobody will be charged and no one will go to prison.

According to CNN, Mark Metz said in a press conference that Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness had no idea he was taking fentanyl. Prince did have an opiate addiction, and some Vicodin pills he bought turned out to be counterfeit. They were laced with fentanyl. I guess the Carver County prosecutors don’t have a Detective La Toya Jackson on staff, because they failed to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. They weren’t able to find out who Prince bought dirty Vicodin pills from, and there’s no evidence that proves people around him knew he was really taking fentanyl. Why do I have a feeling that during their investigation, prosecutors got a voicemail on their tip line from a mystery woman with an Irish accent who said, “Check out that shifty dick sucker Arse-inio Hall.

Prince had crazy amounts of opiates in his system at the time of his death, and investigators believe he also took one or more of those fentanyl-laced Vicodin pills. None of the medications found in Prince’s house were prescribed to him, and that’s got his cousin Charles “Chazz” Smith pissed. Chazz is mad at those in Prince’s life who knows where he got those kiss of death Vicodin pills from. Chazz gave this statement to CNN:

“I know the DEA and the investigators and all of the law enforcement people went through Prince’s house with a fine-tooth comb and conducted this investigation to the best of their abilities. My hats off to them.

I’m not outraged at them. I’m outraged by people in Prince’s inner circle not speaking up about what really happened. Those people who were around him when he died, they know what went on.”

Dr. Michael Schulenberg, a doctor who saw Prince twice in the weeks up to his death, agreed to pay $30,000 to settle a case where he was accused of violating the Controlled Substances Act. Dr. Michael allegedly put a Percocet prescription in the name of Prince’s drummer, Kirk Johnson, knowing that The Purple One was going to take that shit. Dr. Michael denies the accusations.

After today’s press conference, the County Carver Sheriff’s office released all records in the investigation into Prince’s death, including a picture of his dead body (don’t make me link that…).

So now that the investigation into Prince’s death is over, authorities can focus their attention on another Prince-related travesty. They can investigate as to whether or not Justin Timberlake committed a crime against humanity by putting Prince’s image on wet laundry drying in the breeze. The punishment is: LIFE IN PRISON, and what’s really bad for JT is that I don’t think that any prison salon offers Brazilian blowouts.

And let’s end this sad post on a note that’ll heat your loins up so much you’ll have to dip ’em in a bowl of burn cream afterward. Prince’s estate released a video of the original studio recording of Nothing Compares 2 U, and they added some video of him swishing, swaying, twirling, and getting the floor pregnant in his cha-cha heels.


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