Because It’s 2018, The President Of The United States Actually Called Roseanne To Congratulate Her On Ratings….
Donald Trump is obsessed with ratings and he’s so obsessed with ratings that he probably jacks off onto a Nielsen box every night, so it’s not a surprise that he felt a good use of his presidential time was to call a TV star to pat her taint over her massive ratings. Roseanne has now joined the likes of Putin as people Trump has congratulated this month. But instead of the words, “DO NOT CONGRATULATE,” written on his notes, his minions probably wrote, “Do Not Call Roseanne. There’s Better Uses Of Your Goddamn Time. Actually, No There’s Not. Call Away!”
The first two episodes of the Roseanne revival, which debuted on Tuesday night, were watched by millions upon millions of eyeballs. The first episode brought in 17.7 million viewers. The second brought in 18.6 million. That’s 10% more viewers than what the Roseanne finale brought in over 20 years ago. It’s probably going to get renewed, and ABC and Roseanne aren’t the only ones having crotch explosions over the ratings. Trump is too since Roseanne, the character and the real-life person, is one of his supporters. Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The New York Times that Trump called Roseanne to congratulate her. Meanwhile, Stormy Daniels is feeling so rejected since Trump never called her to congratulate her on her gigantic ratings.
Fresh off from deleting a tweet where she called a Parkland student a Nazi, Roseanne told Good Morning America more about her call with Trump. Strangely enough, she didn’t say anything about him offering her the made up position of U.S. Ambassador to the West Bank so she can solve the Israel/Palestinian conflict for once and for all! But I’m sure he did.
“Well, it was pretty exciting I’ll tell you that much. They said, ‘Hold please for the President of the United States of the America.’ And that was the most exciting thing ever and it was very sweet of him to congratulate us. We just kind of had a private conversation and we talked about a lot of things. He’s just happy for me. I’ve known him for many years and he’s done a lot of nice things for me over the years. So it was just a friendly conversation about work and television, and ratings. He really understands ratings and how they measure things. That’s kind of been an interest of mine too for a long time. I’m just over the moon-“
I stopped typing what she said after she mouth farted out a disgusting “over the moon.” I clicked the video off and saged my ears, but you can listen to what she said after that in the video below, if you care:
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." @RoseanneOnABC sets record ratings as the Conners come roaring back to primetime, and we speak LIVE to @therealroseanne about her phone call with the President and the return of the show: pic.twitter.com/CEBMfnnBAx
— Good Morning America (@GMA) March 29, 2018
As everyone knows, Roseanne Conner is a Trump supporter, but some of her family members, like Aunt Jackie, aren’t. So because not everyone in the Roseanne revival is a devoted Trump disciple, I fully expect Jabba the Trump to instruct every single member of his staff to stop working on dumb non-important shit and instead focus on what really matters: intricately researching the ratings of Roseanne. And I’m sure their findings will show that ratings dropped and millions of mute buttons were pressed every time Aunt Jackie dared to shit talk our Overlord Trump. More like “Aunt HACKie,” right, Trump?