Everyone knows marriage is the death of romance, and all you’re promised to is a lifetime of TV dinners and Matlock re-runs with your boo-thang. Putting a ring on it is always seen as a torpedo to bedroom acts and a catalyst to hiding your subscription to Brazzers from your spouse. Well, that was how marriage used to be. Amy Schumer had to go and ruin it all by claiming she’ll go down on her man well past their I do’s.
Page Six says Amy popped up on the “You Up With Nikki Glaser” Sirius XM show where she doled out some romance for any aspiring Cupids out there. While basic brides gush about marrying her best friend (while three of her actual best friends seethe behind her), Amy was having none of that. Instead, she promised a lifetime of knob slobbing:
“In my vows I go, ‘But I promise I’ll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won’t. And his were like, heckling me too. He was like, ‘The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a f–king loser.’ It was all like awful s–t.”
A marriage filled with blowjobs and condescending put-downs? That sounds…honestly, it sounds like the perfect relationship, but what the fuck do I know about that? As you may know, Amy only went Instagram official with Chris Fischer, her boyfriend of three months, a few days before they tied the knot. The wedding was super low-key, and Amy seems to be adjusting annoyingly into the role of wife:
“It feels f–king good! I’m a wife as hell. But it’s like a novelty. Somebody went to sit next to [Chris] and he’s like, ‘My wife is sitting here,’ and then I got back and he was excited to tell me that he said that. I just have been really overusing it to a degree that’s insane. Like, when it’s completely uncalled for.”
Ugh, where are the dick and IUD jokes, Amy?! Don’t tell me there are monogrammed his-and-her towels. This is some bullshit. Luckily, she hasn’t completely written off her ho days as “just a phase,” which is good, since there’s nothing worse than an uppity reformed party gal. She took note of the “You Up” in the title of the Sirius show and lamented, “I don’t think I’ll ever get a text like that again. You know what I mean? And that made me really happy, but also really sad.” Oh, don’t worry, Amy. You’ll surely still get them. It’s just answering them where you’ll get into some trouble.