Ashton Kutcher Went Into The Woods To Deal With Divorcing Demi Moore

February 22, 2018 / Posted by:

Breakups can be a real bitch on the emotions and tear ducts, but I always view them as an excuse to binge eat, toss back a liter of whiskey, and listen to my Spotify playlist called “Sylvia Plath Fantasia.” Not everyone takes my approach (idiots), and that includes Ashton Kutcher. He’s blabbing this week that he handled his divorce with Demi Moore by living for two weeks like I imagine a Björk/Bon Iver baby would live out a lifetime by fasting and living in the woods for a week.

People says Ashton was on Dax Shepard’s new podcast, where he divulged how he got over his lady. It sounds worse than than the dumping part:

“Right after I got divorced, I went to the mountains for a week by myself. I went into Big Sky in Montana, and I did no food, no drink —  just water and tea.”

While normally I’d tell a rich white dude to put down the little violin with shit like this, I am totally Team Kutch on this one. That 2013 divorce was around the time he was at peak Twitter Ashton! It gave us a break from him squawking about his latest e-venture. But a week without food, booze, and groupies is one thing…a week without hashtags is just plain tomfoolery! His replacement for tweeting (“notepad and a pen and water and tea for a week”) sounds straight out of the Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill” playbook, and he was supposedly the dumper!

Considering how hangry I get (I nearly slapped a college student on the subway today because I didn’t get around to lunch until 2pm…ok, fine, it was only 12:15pm, but I’m on a schedule), I’m not surprised to hear Ashton was hallucinating by day 2, but unlike how I’d freak the fuck out, Ashton channeled all the Burning Man kumbaya in his body to say, “It was pretty wonderful. I was doing tai chi with my own energy.” He also wrote letters to past girlfriends and mailed them out on the last day. He claims it was a beautiful cleanse with positive energy, but that homeboy was hallucinating! I feel like there are a bunch of Ashton exes across the country who each got a random FedEx at the same time that just said, “Plz send help…and n00dz.” What? He was hallucinating, but he was still a horny man freshly freed from marriage!


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