Jennifer Lawrence Is Counting The Days Until She Can Hump On Timothée Chalamet

February 21, 2018 / Posted by:

Remember back in the olden days of the internet when a perv or pervs put together a clock counting down to when Britney Spears turned 18 (there was one for Emma Watson too)? Well, Jennifer Lawrence may have one of those for twink moppet of the moment Timothée Chalamet. Team-oh-ray is 22, and while that may be a decrepit, moth-ridden, dusty age for the likes of Bryan Singer, it’s too young for 27-year-old Jennifer Lawrence.

While selling Red Sparrow in an interview with Entertainment Tonight, JLaw made it clear that while watching Call Me By Your Name, she was wishing she had the power to shapeshift into a peach. JLaw wants on that fetus-faced curly Q-Tip, but says she’s going to wait until he’s a little more ripe for the picking, and that’s 8 years according to her.

In Red Sparrow, JLaw plays a Russian spy who has a masters in seduction, and so while talking to ET with her co-star Joel Edgerton, she was asked who she’d like to seduce. JLaw’s chonies get messed up over Timothée Chalamet, and she says that she’s set an internal timer in her cooze that will go off in 7 years, 10 months and 6 days (read: when Timothée turns 30). JLaw IS the Matt LeBlanc to Timothée’s Emilia Clarke.

“I didn’t realize he was so young, though. So hot. Timothée, I’m waiting for him to get like a little bit older. You know, like buttering him up like a pig for slaughter and I’m gonna swing right in there as soon as he’s like 30. Just tell him to wait. So, so talented and hot. He’s old enough to say that, right? He’s over 18? What if I was like, ‘He’s hot!’, and he’s 15.”

I haven’t seen someone look that hard-up and desperate since the last post I wrote about Prince Hot Ginge.

I know that Jennifer is always playing middle-aged women, but she’s only 5 years older than Timothée. Her last man, Darren Aronofsky, is 22 years older than her. That’s a full Timothée. In other words, she can’t do math. As for Timothée, some may think that he’s on his way to get a restraining order against Jennifer Lawrence, but he burped up his own words of praise about her recently. So if JLaw shows up to the Oscars this year, there’s a chance that Timothée will show up with a pig snout on his face, a dozen sticks of butter slathered over his body and a fake ID saying that he was born in 1988.

And in other JLaw news, people screamed SEXISM! when she wore a bootleg Elizabeth Hurley safety pin dress to a daytime photocall in cold London while her male co-stars (Joel, Matthias Schoenaerts, Jeremy Irons) and director (Francis Lawrence) covered up completely. She screamed SEXISM! back at those people by saying that if she wants to develop icicles on her crotch by wearing a sexy Ver-sayce, she can!

And on top of that, if JLaw covered herself up for that outdoors daytime photocall, those pictures wouldn’t have gotten much play and the movie wouldn’t have gotten some quick free press. Which is why I’m outraged at Joel and Matthias, because those pictures would’ve gotten even more attention if they too showed up in a plunging Ver-sayce dress. If only they had Jennifer Lawrence’s commitment to selling a movie.


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