Nothing Is More Soothing Than Celine Dion Calmly Talking To A Drunk Fan Who Dry Humped Her

Celine Dion has many skills. She can make a human see the face of every God just by opening up the fountain of ethereal musical notes she calls a mouth. She can make phone calls on a shoe. She can come up with rescue plans on the spot. And she can make gays throw up a river of taffeta by giving a couture show on Instagram. But who knew that Celine Dion is also a masterful drunk whisperer who can expertly tame a fan whose motor functions are being powered by vodka.

During one of her shows at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on Friday night, Celine brought a fan onstage, and it ended with the fan being escorted off by security. Judging by the fan’s level 2 Kate Gosselin circa 2009 hair, you may think that she was belligerent or asked to speak to the manager. But she wasn’t. She was just messy and going through it. The description in the YouTube video claims that the fan’s son just had a bone marrow transplant and wanted to tell the audience to be a donor. The woman didn’t really get her point across, because she was too busy breaking through Celine Dion’s personal space by dry humping the human version of a diamond-encrusted angel halo.

As soon as that drunk fan’s leg went up on Celine, her security stepped in, but she shooed them away. Celine then became the most glamorous police negotiator that ever was when she tried to soothe the fan with her Calgon bath bubble of a voice. Celine calmly brought the subject back to the woman’s son by saying that they were all going to pray and make a change for her son. The lady didn’t completely return to earth from DrunkMessVille, but she eventually left the stage. And when she did, Celine Dion melted into a puddle of exhaustion like you do when your drunk friend finally passes out after spending two hours crying and screaming about how their boyfriend hasn’t returned their text.

The Goddess of Patience then got up off the stage floor and thanked her audience for turning the theater into an opulent therapy office for five minutes.

“You know what, some people go through a lot and some people need to talk. And I want to say thank you to all of you, because for maybe five minutes we have given this lady a moment to talk.”

Celine Dion talking to a drunk fan is my Prozac:

If being the greatest singuh in duh world doesn’t continue to work out for Celine, she can begin a second career as an extra soothing party bouncer. Sure, getting kicked out of a party for being a drunk wreck sucks, but it wouldn’t suck that much if it was Celine Dion who gracefully escorted you to a waiting Uber.

Pic: YouTube