Open Post: Hosted By The Centenarian Who Thinks Diet Coke Is The Elixir Of Youth

I’ve written several posts about mega oldies saying that booze is the secret to them living to see their 100th year and beyond, and that makes sense to me. Alcohol kills germs and soothes your nerves when you’re annoyed (which is 99% of the time, these days), but Diet Coke?! I don’t know what melted down silica gel beads mixed with 45 pounds of liquid sugar tastes like, but I’m sure it tastes exactly like Diet Coke. And you can probably use that shit to de-rust metal, so I don’t think it’s good for your internal organs, but many live by the stuff including 104-year-old Theresa Rowley of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Theresa turned 104 on New Year’s Day, and she tells WZZM 13 that she didn’t think she’d make it that long. Theresa, who has been living at the Sentinel Pointe Retirement Community for 15 years, says her dad lived until he was 102 and that was shocking to her. No part of Theresa thought she’d live as long as her dad, and when she turned 100, she thought it was only a matter of time before she’d be lounging next to Jesus in a hot tub full of Diet Coke in heaven. But she’s still here, dammit! The secret to Theresa’s long life may lie in a Diet Coke can, because she drinks one a day.

“I drink it because I like it. I’m going shopping Wednesday, and I need more Diet Coke. I have a bag full of empty Diet Coke cans that I need to return to buy more Diet Coke.”

So guzzling down Diet Coke can lead to someone living forever? Um….

For the sake of my own sanity, I’m going to say that’s a falsity and the real reason why Theresa Rowley has lived so long lies in that spectacular silver bowl on her head. Theresa’s body will never go because it never wants to part with that silver bowl. That’s it!

Pic: WZZM