Matt Lauer Is Truly Sorry

November 30, 2017 / Posted by:

And I am truly sorry for once again causing your corneas to nearly collapse by punching your poor eyeballs with the horrifying sight of Matt Lauer looking like a Hill Have Eyes creature in rockabilly chola drag as Lucy from the Peanuts.

It was inevitable for Matt Lauer to pull down his pants (well, according to the stories, it’s always inevitable for him to do that), spread his cheeks and caca out a carefully worded statement about getting fired from NBC News for allegedly sexually harassing a co-worker. NBC News de-douched Today this week after one colleague went to HR with a detail complaint about Matt Weinstein-ing her. Variety and The New York Times also posted pieces that claimed Matt flashed his dick at female employees, told a co-worker he wanted to use a gifted sex toy on her, sexted interns and assaulted a colleague, which made her pass out. (Matt being the gentlemen he is, got his assistant to take her to see a nurse.) Matt gave an EXCLUSIVO statement to his old job, and Savannah Guthrie read it on Today this morning. Matt is sorry, and since trick is unemployed, his new full-time job is “soul searching.” To which a nation screams, “Bitch, go do some hole searching (not that kind of hole!), meaning find a hole, get in it and never come out.

Matt says in his statement that not everything that’s been written about him is true, but there is truth to it. Matt ass burped up an apology to those he has hurt and says he’s going to work on himself. The employees at that Arizona rehab place where Harvey Weinstein spent a second in better put on a strong mask, because I have a feeling that a musty cloud of greasy smug is coming their way.

There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry. As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappointment I have left behind at home and at NBC.

Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly.

Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full time job. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at my own troubling flaws. It’s been humbling. I am blessed to be surrounded by the people I love. I thank them for their patience and grace.

I think what he meant to say is: There are no words to express my sorrow and pain for losing out on a $25 million a year job after I got caught thanks to some whiny women. Repairing the damage to my bank accounts and ego will take a lot of time, but don’t worry. After I spend the obligatory bullshit week in sex rehab, I’ll pitch a Weinstein-produced morning show for the perv demographic starring Charlie Rose and myself. I know you’ve been blessed to have me on your TV screens for all these years, but the champ will be back, bitches! *wink* *fondle* *wink*.

And when Matt made his statement writer add in the part about being surrounded by the people he loves, I’m sure he was standing alone in a room full of mirrors. Because it’s kind of impossible for him to be surrounded by his wife when she’s probably taking meetings with divorce lawyers.


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