The “Mary Magdalene” Trailer Is Two Minutes Of Biblical Love Story Nonsense

November 29, 2017 / Posted by:

I braced myself for the worst when it was reported that very white person Rooney Mara would be playing Mary Magdalene and Joaquin Phoenix would be playing Jesus in a movie. It’s a good thing I did otherwise I might be on my ass with a broken tailbone after watching the first trailer for Mary Magdalene.

Have you ever read the Bible and thought it would be so much better if there was a heavier implication that Mary Magdalene was giving Jesus a boner? Because the makers of Mary Magdalene clearly did. Jesus finds Mary cast out by her family for being a tramp, and takes her. The rest of the disciples aren’t so crazy about having Mary around, but Jesus doesn’t care, because she gets him, you know? Mary is the only one who asks Jesus how he’s doing. Mary makes Jesus laugh. Wait, why didn’t Jesus date Mary again? This trailer would be a rom-com if you laid “Secrets” by OneRepublic over it.

This trailer is also impossible to watch when you know that Rooney and Joaquin are together in real life. I almost forgot I was watching a trailer for a movie about Mary and Jesus. It felt more like footage of Rooney and Joaquin at a weird off-the-grid organic hipster colonics and linen blanket retreat. But then I was snapped back to reality at the 0:38 mark when Rooney gets baptized by Joaquin. I just don’t see Joaquin getting that close to anything that resembles the act of bathing.

Pics: YouTube

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