Hot Slut Of The Day!
Jonathan, the world’s oldest living tortoise who may also be the world’s oldest living gay!
Whenever I stroll into a gay bar that’s filled with 20-somethings shooting a Snapchat of them dancing to a Dua Lipa remix (or who the fuck ever) after doing molly, I feel like the world’s oldest living gay and can feel the liver spots growing on my b-hole. But I ain’t got shit on Jonathan! Jonathan has possibly been hungry for man tortoise ass for almost two centuries.
Jonathan currently lives on the island of Saint Helena in the South Atlantic Ocean. Jonathan was brought to the island from the Seychelles in 1882 when he was in his 50s. Jonathan took over the title of the world’s oldest living tortoise in 1965 when the previous record holder, Tu’i Malila, died at the age of 189. Jonathan is now 186 years old, and is said to be healthy, even though he’s blind from cataracts and has lost his sense of smell. But apparently that hasn’t kept him from getting his fuck on.
The Evening Standard says that when Jonathan started to get “restless” and “aggressive,” the locals decided to get him a mating partner who’d help him to fuck the angries out. In 1991, they introduced Jonathan to a lady tortoise named Frederica. At least, they thought Frederica was a lady tortoise. Jonathan and Frederica never produced baby tortoises, which gave the locals a case of “Huh?”. The locals may have gotten their answer to why JoFred hasn’t made any babies.
An island vet recently treated Frederica for a shell lesion and discovered that she may actually be a dude tortoise. Apparently, it’s not that easy to see the differences of sex in tortoises. Experts are now doing tests to see if Jonathan’s partner of 26 years is a male. I don’t know what kind of tests these experts are doing, but there’s an easy and very accurate one they can do to prove if Frederica is a gay man or not. They should put Frederica in front of a TV and give that tortoise the remote. If Frederica stops on either Showgirls or The Golden Girls while channel surfing, he gay. 100% confirmed.
But seriously, 26 years is a long time for a relationship, gay or straight. It must be true love. So if you think you’re destined to be a Forever Aloner, let this story inspire you. I mean, Jonathan found love at 160 years old! There’s hope for everyone! On the other hand, this story could push you deep into sadness, because you know, a 186-year-old tortoise is getting more regular ass than you.
Pic: AP