Someone Console Amber Tamblyn, James Woods Isn’t Retiring

October 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Last week, it looked like corpse litigant James Woods saved money on a publicist by having his realtor announce his retirement from the acting game when his glass houses in Rhode Island went on the market. Well, there’s probably one Century 21 yellow-blazered real estate drone looking for a new listing right now due to a firing. James isn’t going anywhere (except maybe Dateline: To Catch A Predator if he’s continuing to allegedly mack on 16-year-olds). 

James explained to The Washington Post that he didn’t and wouldn’t announce his retirement via a real estate sale. Duh, he’d do it on Twitter and probably use the same tweet to say something self-righteous and hugely irritating. James was alerted to his supposed retirement by the person who’s supposed to be announcing such things – his surely put-upon agent.

“It’s just funny. My agent said, ‘Are you retired?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so, am I?’ ”

James, who once kept a libel lawsuit going even after the defendant died, revealed that he was actually just selling one of his Exeter, Rhode Island vacation homes for $1.39 million. It was reported that he was selling several. Jimmy should have tried out for the Unabomber role cuz’ it looks like he’s had practice. I mean living in a log cabin, not blowing people up.

James said he had a meeting with his real estate agent, Allen Gammons, and a misunderstanding occurred that probably inspired celebration sex between Amber Tamblyn and husband David Cross.

“You said you want to simplify by having less property as you go toward retirement,” Gammons said.

“Yeah, exactly,” Woods said.

So, get this. James Woods texts and drives! Better unread than dead, you ass!

“Longtime Rhode Island resident and Warwick Pilgrim High School graduate James Woods, Veteran of nearly 150 movies and television shows, has announced today that his recent retirement from the entertainment field has prompted him to simplify his life.”

The real estate agent read the draft to Woods over the phone before sending it out. The actor was driving at the time, and more interested in the photos.

James added that he was tempted to leave the incorrect announcement as is to see how people would feel about his exit from showbiz.

“Who would care if I were?” he wondered.

Amber Tamblyn, obviously.

In the end, he thinks the whole story is funny. And not “disappointing” or “a cruel joke.”

“I’m the world’s biggest tease on Twitter,” Woods said. “I do not remotely take myself seriously in any way. Why do you think I’m on ‘Family Guy’?”

Because Seth McFarlane’s sort of a cocky douche?

Since James isn’t retiring from acting, he says he’s eyeing a role as the “gay protagonist” in a movie about the Westboro Baptist Church. Wait, he’s not playing fred Phelps? The casting directors in Hollywood are about as on the ball as the real estate agents in Rhode Island.


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