Open Post: Hosted By Sloane Stephens Serving Up Her Real Tennis Inspiration

September 11, 2017 / Posted by:

I was crying into my chicken fingers on Thursday night after Sloane Stephens knocked Venus Williams out of the U.S. Open, but by Saturday, a new KWEEN had risen. Sloane beat Madison Keys in two sets to win her first major final, and she could not have been any less of a typical athlete about it.

The biggest upset came to Sloane herself when the announcer said she was pocketing $3.7 million in winnings. She was ranked 967th in the world six weeks ago, and Bleacher Report says she has made $4.5 million total from seven years on tour. To put it into perspective:

Sloane is giving us a mix of “Yes, I’ll take bbq AND honey mustard, and I know that costs extra” combined with “Snatched these winnings, and snatching your man is next on this bucket list.” Even better is how at the press conference, she didn’t even try and sugarcoat her reason to play tennis with the usual after-school special bullshit about friendly competition and building determination.

Sloane is going to have to buy an iPhone 7 Plus just so all the zeroes will fit the screen on her mobile banking app, and she’s out for more! Athletes normally act like NyQuil when it comes to the press, and you’re lucky if they say anything more profound than “I gave 110% out there today.” How can you explain your shitty golf game these days, Tiger? “I gave 110% out there today.” How was giving birth, Serena? “I gave 110% out there today.” How about those infidelity rumors, Kobe? “I gave 110% out there today.” Thank you for giving the people what they want, Sloane!


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