Goop’s First Print Edition Is Here

September 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Because Goop is an organic ostrich with its head very deep down in the sand, Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to take some of it offline and into a print magazine. It gets better than that. UsWeekly says they’re going to try and charge basic betches $15 a pop for it. Charging too much for things we already get for free on the internet? Oh Gwyneth, never change.

Gwyneth is on the cover (duh), and she tries to show she and Taylor Swift attend the same “Show the haters you’re in on the joke!” meetings with her “Earth To Gwyneth” cover line. She takes it literally by lubing up neck to toe in mud from the farm from Charlotte’s Web. It probably isn’t, but you know she always tries to upsell whatever manure she gets into.

While I would expect Gwyneth’s mag to be thousands of pages of sage wisdom of jade vagina eggs, vagina steaming, and the occasional passive aggressive comment about Madonna in an anti-aging cream article, the whole thing clocks in at a mere 96 pages. Because of COURSE it does. Maybe she pays her writers Conde Nast 1970s wages so they can also take three-hour lunch breaks and get sloshed on (organic) martini lunches.

Readers can expect fitness snake oil, clean beauty secrets snake oil, and probably actual snake oil. Oh, and apparently, Gwyn never watched the ending to My Girl, because she professes getting stung by a bee really helps out with a C-section scar:

“The doctor stings you [with a live bee] like it’s an acupuncture needle. I had it done on my cesarean scar…I had some buckling in the scar, and it really evened it out.”

And I’m sure that retails for a cool $1400 at your local dermatologist. Meanwhile, you could honestly just pay a friend to take you to your nearest public garden and be on standby with an Epi-Pen. Again, this huss clearly did not see the end to My Girl.

Pic: Terry Tsiolis/Goop

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