Gwyneth Paltrow woke up this morning with an email from nonprofit consumer watchdog group Truth in Advertising (aka TINA). Rather than words, it was just a clip of Dionne Warwick saying, “I got your number, hussy.” OK, maybe she didn’t get that, but she done pissed off TINA!
GOOP, Gwyneth’s emporium of jade eggs and $900 t-shirts, has been in a race for years to be the most insufferable Mecca of basic white bitch shit you don’t need. People magazine says TINA issued an admonishment Tuesday, and surprisingly it wasn’t View From The Top and Shallow Hal on DVD with a Post-It note attached that read, “Bitch, who do you think you are? Take a seat.” Instead, they went IN. TINA is not feeling the health advice pushed on GOOP through questionably-researched practices like Earthing.
The company claims, either expressly or implicitly, that its products (or those it promotes) can treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing a number of ailments. The problem is that the company does not possess the competent and reliable scientific evidence required by law to make such claims.
TINA’s investigation has revealed more than 50 instances in which GOOP claims, either expressly or implicitly, that its products (or those it promotes) can “treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing” a number of ailments.
TINA, you must be new to the Internet ‘cuz we been onto this shit for years. OF COURSE we know aura-balancing stickers and vagine steaming is wack. OF COURSE we know jade up the snatch isn’t exactly right-minded health. Come to think of it, why is she so obsessed with the poon?
The best is how GOOP replied to the whole accusation. Apparently TINA reached out to the GOOP team to ‘splain themselves on their heaping piles of organic bullshit. Because they didn’t make enough changes in 11 days, TINA took Gwyneth Paltrow to Sonic and made her eat an Extra-Long Chili Cheese Coney and tater tots. No they didn’t, but they DID file a complaint with the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force. Oooooooh!
GOOP barfed up this reply, denying they were trying to dodge TINA:
“We responded promptly and in good faith to the initial outreach from representatives of TINA and hoped to engage with them to address their concerns. Unfortunately, they provided limited information and made threats under arbitrary deadlines which were not reasonable under the circumstances.”
Aka Gwyneth Paltrow is too busy skipping through the Himalayas to find her next bit of vagina snake oil to hawk to bored housewives in Connecticut, TINA, so leave a message after the beep. Which I’m sure GOOP would tell you is a special beep that heals eardrums and balances chakras.