Amber Heard And Elon Musk Broke Up After A Year Of Dating

August 7, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s time for Amber Heard to grab her purse and hat, because the gravy train just pulled into Splitsville station and the conductor needs her to get to stepping. Amber Heard and her billionaire boyfriend Elon Musk are over. The Daily Mail reports:

Heard, 31, is ‘devastated’ after tech tycoon Elon Musk ended their year-long romance. Last night a source told The Mail on Sunday: ‘It’s all over between Amber and Elon and she’s devastated. It was his decision.

Of course she’s devastated. Do you have any idea how few billionaires there are under the age of 60 who still have a working penis? Amber and Elon had been dating since April and he has already given her a Tesla and, according to TDM, free use of his private jet. But she didn’t get that ring. It seems she let the mask slip too soon and Elon was apparently, not the one. TDM reports:

‘He ended it a week ago. He’d heard certain things about her behaviour that didn’t sit well with him.

‘Amber can be very manipulative and selfish. Elon’s back in LA while she’s licking her wounds in Australia.’

Amber needs to go back to Golddigger Academy if she wants to avoid flying commercial ever again. She’s broken several cardinal rules of the game, three being:

#1. Pick a dumb/drunk/semi-retired one. She had a good mark in Johnny Depp, Elon, not so much. He’s got a lot going on what with preparing for the robot apocalypse and colonizing Mars or whatever. He does not have time for head games.

#2. Take your time. Amber, we’re still waiting to find out which charity got your generous $7 million dollar settlement from Johnny. That happened like you said, right? If so, big mistake if you thought you didn’t need a between billionaires buffer. You gotta let it breathe, bide your time and for God’s sake, don’t bring out the crazy until after the wedding. You’re supposed to be an actress, right? Hold it together, sis!

#3. Put a baby in you. This is Gold Digging 101. Like, real basic stuff. You don’t even have to wait for a ring when you got that DNA. If you are worried about it affecting your figure, lifestyle or career, then you better go back and work on rules #1 and #2 until you have perfected the art. Amber must have been skipping class and avoiding sessions with her guidance counselor, Blac Chyna. Nobody said Golddigger Academy was going to be an easy A. It’s hard work and not all are suited. According to Us Weekly and their source, Amber’s side of the story is:

“The timing wasn’t good for them. He’s super busy and works all the time. Amber is filming [Aquaman] in Australia until October. She’s in no position to settle with him. She feels her career is just starting.”

Word to the wise, Amber. Keep your greedy paws off of Jason Momoa. As you say, you’re career is just starting. Don’t pick another bad mark. Jason is too smart, too hot and his wife is a goddess. A mistake of that magnitude could get you expelled from the Academy.


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