A Now Hatless Caitlyn Jenner Claims She Hates Trump

August 5, 2017 / Posted by:

Since 2016’s “Well, It Was Nice While It Lasted“- themed election, celebrity transgender woman and automotive death dealer, Caitlyn Jenner, has received side-eyes for being a Trump apologist. The side-eyes have now become a “is this bitch for real?” full-on glare. Caitlyn was recently spotted wearing one of those “Make America Great Againasshole-identifier ballcaps. President Donald Trump recently announced his intention to ban transgendered people from serving in the US military. Hence, it’s good that Caitlyn was wearing her asshole-identifier, so there was no mistake.

Caitlyn defended herself to TMZ and told this loooonnggg, convoluted, bullshit-scented story about why she wore the hat and how she actually despises Trump. She’s blaming golf lust, Starbucks, and her purse. Be careful not to break a nail while furiously pressing the button marked “damage control,” lady.

Caitlyn is claiming that she was rushing around her place trying to get ready to play golf. But, seeing as she planned on taking her 1960 vintage convertible there, she needed to protect her hair. Instead of doing what most conservative Republican ladies do and shellac that shit into a beehive using copious amounts of hairspray and red state witchcraft, she went for a ball cap. (Which is weird, because she probably had hat head when she got there?)

Caitlyn says that she just grabbed a random cap out of her closet, and neglected to look at the lie emblazoned on the front in tacky lettering. She got to the course, and switched to her golf visor, and left the hat in the car. She got some balls in holes, and then went to go her herself a latte. That’s when she claims she saw what was on the hat and was beside herself!

She tells us she was horrified because she now detests Trump after he tweeted about the military transgender ban. Caitlyn says, “What he’s doing to our community is absolutely f***ing awful.”

Uh huh. Hair, however, MUST be protected and a golf visor doesn’t afford such protection. So she put the MAGA hat back on and then switched it out for the golf visor when she was a mile from Starbucks. Latte clutched in her dusky rose-manicured hands, she exited. Caitlyn switched BACK to the MAGA hat (to keep protecting her hair, of course) and began driving home. That’s when she realized she had left her purse back at Starbucks! It contained her phone, so she rushed back. She was so distracted worrying about her purse that she forgot to doff the MAGA cap! She wore it back to Starbucks and then on the drive back home, and that’s when she got papped wearing it. That breathless story has caused me to heavily pant!

Caitlyn claims that she plans to either burn the cap or sign it and auction it off for transgender causes. She also made a public apology. She says:

“I apologize to all of the trans community. I made a mistake. I will never do it again and I’m getting rid of the hat.”

zzzzzzzzzAre you asleep? How dare you nod off during this riveting tale! Someone tell Ms. Jenner that, if you’re going to lie, you keep it short and as close to the truth as possible. I mean, she had multiple locations, costume changes, and varied emotional states. You expected a chapter about the cops pulling her over or the hat becoming cemented to her head due to a birdshit mishap. Keep it simple, stupid.


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