Cue Up The Apocalypse, Because George Clooney Is Officially A Father 

June 6, 2017 / Posted by:

George Clooney’s rep released a statement today saying that Amal Clooney birthed out their twins this morning. I know that the news came from the official rep of the horse’s mouth, but I still won’t believe it until a swarm of locusts crash through my window or until I hear it from the only Clooney baby news source I trust: The Chenbot!

The Daily Mail says that the Clooney twins were born in England and one is a dude and one is a girl. Satan is probably shitting icicles today and that’s because: 1. George Clooney is a literal daddy now. And 2. Two famous people gave their babies completely normal names.

In the statement that George’s rep passed out to the media, he said that 56-year-old George and 39-year-old Amal gave their girl twin the #12 most popular girl name and gave their boy twin the #16 most popular boy name.

“This morning Amal and George welcomed Ella and Alexander Clooney into their lives. Ella, Alexander and Amal are all healthy, happy and doing fine. George is sedated and should recover in a few days

While many people are giving George and Amal a gold star for giving their children normal names, I’m not. What is the point of being a celebrity with twins if you’re not going to give them matchy matchy names that make people brain burp up a dozen WTFs? Like Casa and Migos Clooney? Or Covfefe and Comey Clooney? Or after Amal and George’s special friends, Papa and Razzi?

Oh, poor Ella and Alexander Clooney. I really hope that their parents put them in public school. Because if they go to a fancy private school, the other celebrity kids (like Devereaux Octavian Basil, Dream Renee, Ocean King, Journey River, etc…) are totally going to make fun of them for having “weird” names. They’ve got the Marilyn Munster of celebrity kids names.

And I don’t think that George’s rep was joking about him needing to be sedated. I’m sure he’ll need to be sedated for a while since the shock of being a husband and a father finally hit him. The shock will probably wear off about the time Ella and Alexander are talking. But then he’ll go into shock again when he hears them say, “Hi, dad!


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