Goopy Haters Are Just Jealous Of Her Beauty And Success, Obviously

June 1, 2017 / Posted by:

The world always needs laughs, but the world really needs laughs after today’s Trump news that is making the planet cry aerosol tears of sadness. So, an interview from my favorite comedian Goopy Paltrow was farted up onto the internet at the right time. Goopy did an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Refinery29) where she continued to prove that the dingles she sharts out while defending Goop are as precious as the articles on Goop themselves.

Goopy said not too long ago that the hate she gets from unenlightened peons doesn’t bother her since she knows that important revolutionaries like herself always get shit. Goopy added to that with The Edit. If you pfft’d at sticking a $66 jade egg from Goop up your vagina and also laughed at fucking yourself with a geyser of steam to cleanse your uterus, you only did it because the advice came from a beautiful and successful woman! Your coochie would be singing Steam Heat right now if a homely loser told you to steam your vagina. Goopy says that she gets hate because she’s a woman, specifically a woman who is considered successful and attractive. Leave it to Goopy to find a really ridiculous way to say, “Excuse my beauty!”

“It’s got a few layers to it. People were fine with me as an actress, but with Goop it was like, ‘Stay in your lane.’ Women in general get a lot of pushback, especially if you’re successful and attractive… I’m not saying I’m attractive. I mean when you’re considered attractive.”

I love that she said that she’s not saying she’s beautiful, but that it’s you who thinks she’s beautiful.

I bet the ugly lady regulars of the world are pissed at beautiful and successful Goopy Paltrow today. They were happily going through life with everyone listening to them because they’re not hot and poor. Goopy Paltrow just gave up the secret power to being busted and broke!

Poor beautiful and successful Goopy was also asked about the term “conscious uncoupling” for the four millionth time. The pioneer of pretentiousness said that everyone laughs at her at first, but they end up following her later.

“People are coming around. I know it’s a dorky term, but it’s very worthwhile. I’m always the person who gets shit at first, but then later people say, ‘Hey, maybe that’s a good idea.’ I don’t mind.”

Goopy really deserves all the credit. Being beautiful and rich is a struggle none of us homely poors will ever understand, and also, when Walmart starts selling cooch eggs and at-home pussy steaming kits to the peasants, she won’t haughtily laugh and  say, “I told you so!” So brave. So selfless.


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