Somewhere, A Granny Is Missing Her Favorite Playtex Support Bra

May 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Halsey is one of the music industry’s most frequent red carpet messes, so it’s not a surprise that she would show up to the Billboard Music Awards last night in an outfit that says: “Book my stylist the next appointment at the nearest Pearle Vision.

That bra is all kinds of tragic. It’s both too big and too small, like some kind of physics-defying underwire nightmare. If that bra could talk, it would beg Halsey to leave it at home and take a set of nipple pasties instead. On the upside, it is nice to see that someone finally purchased the most discounted bra from the clearance section of Ross. But don’t cry for Halsey’s bra. I see a bright future for it. I bet an agent has already signed it to appear as the uncomfortable before bra in an Ahh Bra infomercial.

Here’s Lea Michele in a cut-out black dress by David Koma. It’s good she went understated with her outfit so she could keep all attention on her face. Clearly she wanted to show off what she’s learned at the Jennifer Lopez Institute for Excellence in Open-Mouthed Sexy Face Posing.

2017 Billboard Music Awards Arrivals

Camila Cabello wore a dress by Jonathan Simkhai. She’s what I imagine a Poison groupie would look like on her wedding night after she left the groupie game and said “I do” to a roadie named Whiplash.

2017 Billboard Music Awards Press Room

And finally, Rita Ora went all business bridal on the top and lace-wrapped ham hocks on the bottom. Rita told E! News her thong-and-lace look was a tribute to Cher. Cher would never step out of her house with such a cheap exposed zipper riding up her crack.

The Billboard Music Awards 2017

Here’s more from the Billboard Music Awards last night. It was all a little bill-boring, but what can you do? They can’t all be Celine.


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