After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
The BBC says that guests including Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge, Roger Federer and Princess Eugenie watched as 33-year-old Pippa and 41-year-old James became husband and wife. Pippa wore a custom-made Giles Deacon wedding dress and one bitchy bystander (who was sitting in front of his computer thousands of miles away while eating a stale donut and guzzling down instant hazelnut coffee… the bystander is me) was overheard saying this about the gown: “Yup, Katie Price still holds the title for being the most elegant English bride in history.”
James Matthews wore who cares, the pageboys (including Prince George) killed it in traditional satin capris and Duchess Kate wore a dusty rose dress bought from the granny of the bride section at whatever the UK’s version of JCPenney is. I guess when you don’t want to take away the attention from your sister on her wedding day, you wear a dress that Rose from The Golden Girls would reject for being too dowdy.
As for Meghan Markle, she probably wore her pajamas, because it looks like she wasn’t at the church. There was a rumor that she was going to be PHG’s date to the actual ceremony, but she wasn’t seen. There’s a slight chance she could’ve snuck in and out under Pippa’s dress because she didn’t want to steal the spotlight. But it’s more likely that she didn’t go to the ceremony and will be at the reception. So PHG’s royal huevos escorted him to the wedding ceremony instead:
And here’s a million more pictures from the wedding of the
century year month week day! Pippa and James drove off in a vintage Jaguar and I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t stand up in the car to reveal a “Just Married!” sign stuck to her legendary butt. And there’s also pictures of Prince George throwing a tiny tantrum in front of Duchess Kate. Since she’s dressed like an abuelita at a wedding, I’m picturing her saying, “Don’t make me bring out the chancla!”