Goopy Paltrow And Anna Wintour Are Forming An Unholy Union To Bring Us The Goop Magazine 

April 28, 2017 / Posted by:

Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!

Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.

Condé Nast announced today that they will co-produce the Goop magazine and they also delivered really good news to those of us who love to trash Goop’s posts. Condé Nast will also help Goop to build its digital content. Goop the Magazine (that sounds like the title of the scariest horror movie of all-time) will be quarterly and will be available to buy starting in September. Condé Nast described the magazine as a “collectible.” I won’t laugh at that and I won’t disagree, because they’re not lying. The Goop magazine will be highly collectable and will one day be displayed in a prime spot at the Museum of Assholes.

WWD says that ever since Condé Nast got rid of Self, they’ve been looking for another health and wellness type magazine and they think Goop is it. Goopy said this about working with Anna:

“Anna is a powerhouse, and one of the most admirable thought-leaders in media. Collaborating with her and Condé Nast on this multiplatform content partnership, anchored by Goop’s emergence into a physical entity, was an opportunity for us to push our boundaries visually and deliver Goop’s point of view to consumers in new, dynamic ways.”

Well, it looks anti-Goop warrior, Dr. Jen Gunter, has found her new favorite thing to wipe her non-steamed parts with. But then again, that’d be some really expensive toilet paper. I’m sure Goop the magazine will only be printed in snow leopard blood ink on beluga whale leather, and it’ll be sold exclusively at Barney’s by appointment only!

Pic: FameFlynet

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