United Settled With The Doctor Who Got Dragged Off Their Plane

April 27, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been three weeks since an “oversold flight” led to Dr. David Dao getting pulled out of his seat on a United plane in Chicago and dragged down the aisle like his name was Dionne Warwick and that officer’s name was Aretha Franklin. Dr. Dao’s attorney, Thomas Demetrio, said that he suffered a concussion, a broken nose and lost some teefs. Dr. Dao also needed reconstructive surgery to get his nose back to working right. As soon as I heard that, I pictured every Keurig machine in United’s office getting replaced with a jar of Sanka and a used electric kettle. Because they gotta cut costs to pay up to make that stage 10 PR disaster go away.

Thomas was on Today earlier this week and said that they were going to sue and as he said that, I pictured him dancing on the inside while singing I’m So Paid. That lawsuit will never be filed, though, because CNN says that a settlement has been reached.

Thomas Demetrio released a statement to the media saying that they agreed on a settlement amount. That amount is staying confidential. Well, whatever the amount is, Dr. Dao should use some of it to change his name and move, because fourth cousins thrice removed are going to come out of the woodwork looking for a “loan.” In the statement he released, Thomas had words of praise for United’s CEO, Oscar Munoz, and also for United for paying for their major fuck up:

“Mr. Munoz said he was going to do the right thing, and he has. In addition, United has taken full responsibility for what happened…without attempting to blame others, including the City of Chicago.”

A rep for United also confirmed that they’ve settled. The rep also said once again that the airline is taking steps to make sure this highly expensive kind of mess won’t happen again. They’re going to offer up to $10,000 in compensation to a passenger who is willing to give up their seat on an overbooked flight (the max used to be $1,350) and they will no longer ask the police to remove passengers due to overbooking issues.

I’m not even going to guess how much Dr. Dao is getting, but I am going to guess that Oscar Munoz won’t get a holiday bonus this year, or next, or the year after that, or the one after that. And I’m also going to guess that many a shady ho is going pull schemes to try to get a quick payout out of United. When Lindsay Lohan boards a United flight in the near future, the flight attendant is going to say to her, “Ms. Lohan, I see that banana peel hanging out of your pocket. Give it to me. The ‘slipping on a banana peel that was dropped in the aisle’ trick didn’t work last week and it’s not going to work this week. No quick payout for you, trick.

Pic: YouTube 

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