So I Guess Madonna Isn’t Happy About The Biopic That’s Being Made About Her 

Many times when Hollywood does a big-screen biopic about someone, they wait until that someone has died. But Madonna is very much alive and since she has her internal organs regularly switched out with the pristine organs of the virgin teens she hunts, she’s going to live forever. Hollywood is going ahead with a Madge biopic anyway and this one will start in the early days of her career and take us up to her performance at the first MTV Video Music Awards in 1984. Madge is probably not going to be involved in it in any way, because she made it clear that she’d rather deep throat a hydrangea than give that shit her stamp of approval.

The Black List is released every year and lists the best screenplays that haven’t yet been produced. Blond Ambition by screenwriter Elyse Hollander was #1 on the 2016 Black List. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal wants to take the screenplay from unproduced to produced. They picked it up and brought in Michael De Luca (he produced the Fifty Shades of Shit movie) who will produce along with Brett Ratner’s production company. THR described Blond Ambition like this:

The story is set in early 1980s New York as Madonna Louise Ciccone works on her first album, struggling in a business that treats women badly, while also dealing with a burgeoning love life and the first hints of fame.

Well, the execs at Universal, Elyse, Michael and Brett should expect Madge’s minions to make voodoo dolls out of them, because she pretty much called them charlatans and fools for trying to tell her story. Universal, Elyse, Michael and Brett, you in danger, girls.

Nobody knows what I know and what I have seen. Only I can tell my story. ?Anyone else who tries is a charlatan and a fool. ?. Looking for instant gratification without doing the work. This is a disease in our society. ✍️?

A post shared by Madonna (@madonna) on Apr 25, 2017 at 10:26am PDT

If Universal really wants Madge to rage her newest face off, they should put out a press release that reads:

Universal Pictures is very pleased to announce that Blond Ambition will star Lady Gaga as Madonna!

But I’m with Madge. Why bother making that movie when we’ve already been given a highly artistic cinematic jewel about the early days of her career? I mean, nothing will ever come close to touching the magic that the TV diamond Madonna: Innocence Lost brought.

Pic: Gary Heery/Warner Bros.